When I stare at this tiny, brand new life next to me, I get completely overwhelmed. The way that God so intimately creates new life is amazing. Ten tiny fingers and toes… all of it.. it is just so wonderful. I love the newborn phase. I am completely worn out and have a hard time staying awake, but I love it. The big girls are still really good with Harper. Addison just has to learn to be more gentle with Harper. She wants so badly to play with her, but doesn’t understand that she can’t play yet. Chloe is slowly coming around to Harper. She mostly ignores her, but I occasionally catch her sneaking kisses and rubbing her soft head.
I love our family. Scott is always great when we have a new baby. He has it easy because he doesn’t have to wake up and stay awake to feed Harper. He gets up, changes her diaper, and brings her to me. I didn’t even have to ask him to do that. He just does it. I love him. I love them. I love it all.
Sometimes, when I think about the fact that we won’t be having any more babies, my heart breaks. I have spent many nights sobbing over it. I know that we made the right decision. I put a lot of prayer, tears, and thought into the decision. It was not an easy one. It is personal, so I don’t know why I have shared it on here, but it is difficult. I guess that I don’t want anyone to ever feel alone if they have to make the decision. It is so hard. Scott said that he feels guilty that I am feeling some regret. I told him not to; that I know we did what we felt was best… Everyone says when you are done, you just know. But, what if your health forces you to make a decision that you were not ready for?
It is hard for me to not feel angry about the health concerns that caused us to even have to THINK about it. It has been difficult to not feel angry since May, when I had a seizure and was forced to stop driving and start seeing a million doctors and start having even more fear during this pregnancy. But, life is wonderful. God is good. ALWAYS. Through all of the FEAR, I have been safe. Harper was kept safe. Chloe was kept safe. Addison was kept safe. My husband was kept safe. Wonderful. It is all wonderful. No one should ever forget how wonderful life is. How wonderful the blessing of a new baby is… It is the most wonderful gift in this life.
