One year. Many lessons.

I am one year seizure free!! I am celebrating surviving the worst year of my life. I am choosing the word celebrate. You see, God has been trying to teach me something. I have prayed “God, please grow my faith.” Then, every time something happens, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!

Let’s recap. May 8th, 2014 I woke up early. I woke up healthy and normal. We had Joe and Dave coming over to work on Harper’s bedroom. I made coffee for them, as I did every morning. I got cold bottles of water out and ready for them to immediately start drinking. They showed up and went right to work. I played with the girls inside. Scott came home with lunch for all 6 of us (7 if we want to count Harper). We ate lunch and shared many laughs. Dave and Joe are two of the kindest men on the planet. They are funny and TRULY a joy to be around. I put Addison down for a nap (yes, she napped through the noise!) and sent Chloe to her room to play quietly. I think that I may have studied for my final that I was supposed to have that night. I’m not completely sure.

When the girls woke up, it was a WARM and sunny day. I got them dressed and we went out in the yard to play. Scott came back to mow our yard. Joe and Dave finished up for the day and were getting ready to head home. Dave told me a hilarious story about something he had done back when he was working at his old job. Both Joe and Dave are retired workers from a big company here in town. I could not stop laughing and told him that he reminded me of my dad. Ornery.

Dave left and I went back to playing with my girls. I started to feel off. I held on to the slide and waited for things to pass, as they always did. The next thing that I remember is waking up with a paramedic asking me if I knew where I was. I have told this story, so I won’t rehash it. I am sure it gets old. To me, I remember new details from the day all the time. It’s wild. During my hospital stay it was confirmed that I had a seizure. I also was informed that I have a hole in my heart.

Let’s just fast forward to May 10. My birthday. The day I was finally getting released from the hospital. I was informed that I would not be able to drive for at least 6 months. I thought, “Ok. I can do this. I just have to let go of my need for control. I can rely on other people.” Now, relying on other people is not really a strong suit of mine. I am a bit of a control freak. I like to take care of myself. I don’t want others having to take care of me; even if that includes driving me to the doctor’s office.

It was difficult, but I learned to rely on others. Sometimes it’s ok to let other people help you. It’s ok to ask for help; to need help.

Let’s fast forward again to October 2014. My mom told me that my Aunt Nancy probably had cancer, but was being stubborn. Typical.. well, relative of mine! We are all stubborn. Aunt Nancy finally went. It’s bad. She has stage 4 lymphoma, but the doctors are confident that they can get it into remission as long as they start treatment quickly. Awesome. Remission is good. No cancer is better, but for her to be able to live is great. I remember being scared. But, the doctors can handle it.

Fast forward again to November. I see a facebook post that my Uncle Gene has been rushed to the hospital. He may have had a stroke. I call my mom and ask her if she knew. My brave and courageous mom. The woman who I TRULY look up to and lean on. I wanted to make sure that she had been made aware since I had only seen on facebook that he was going to the hospital. A few facebook messages and I learn that they think he may have had a stroke. My mom tells me that she knew. Then, I hear her start crying. My mom has been so strong. Her sister was diagnosed with terrible cancer. Now, her sister’s husband is facing death. His stroke was bad. They said he shouldn’t have survived. They said that he would never walk again and that the only reason he is still able to speak is because he is left handed (The only word that he could say at the time was “yep”). It kept part of his brain strong enough. He was facing brain surgery to relieve some of the pressure that was building from the swelling.

I was driven to my knees… finally relying on God… not others, not doctors. God. God, please save him. Only you can heal him. The doctors think he is going to die. I remember going to the alter the following Sunday and crying out to God.

My knees were not good enough.

Fast forward to February. One doctor visit. Yep, you have epilepsy. Two doctor visits. Yep, you have a chronic mystery disease; possibly autiummune. Your body is attacking itself, but we just aren’t sure. “God, what on earth are you doing?! When is this ever going to let up?! IT HURTS!”

Fast forward again to March. My dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. CANCER. Yes, it’s “only” prostate cancer. Yes, it is easily treatable. Yes, it has not spread to his bones, etc. But, cancer still cuts like a knife. Cancer doesn’t care who or what it destroys. It hurts to know that this strong man that I look up to; that took me on countless fishing trips has this disease living inside of him.

This time, I was knocked on my face before God. Do you get it yet? My faith HAS to grow. Growth hurts. It hurts more than you can describe. Do you remember when you were young, and had growing pains? I do! My legs would throb. It hurt so bad. But, I am bigger and stronger for it. I can’t pray for grown faith when I am not willing to take the pain that comes with it. Life hurts. Life hurts a lot. It’s not easy. Sometimes it just downright STINKS. But, life is beautiful. There have been so many blessings and lessons to come from the last PAINFUL year. It is still painful, please don’t think that it’s not. I am still hurting. I still cry every time I am in the car alone. I cry when no one is looking. It is hard. But, I have learned to have faith. I have learned to fall on my face before God. He is holy and mighty and has never, ever let me down before.