I read a lot of blogs. It’s how I pretend that I have real friends. HA! Anyway, one of the blogs I read was her announcing her fourth born child. Her baby girl is beautiful. At the end she says, “I feel so happy and complete.” Complete. I was always told that I would KNOW when I was done having kids. That our family would just feel complete.
I am not having any more children. This body has had a permanent “fix” for that… I don’t feel anywhere near complete. I am wondering if this feeling is ever going to go away. I love my three girls. They are beautiful and wonderful, but I don’t feel as though our family is complete. I am thankful that God has allowed me to have the children that I do have. But, I can’t stop this feeling of a downward spiral.. this complete and utter sadness over having to stop. Is there a word that is more “sad” than sadness? That’s how I feel. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand.
I am so desperate to snap out of whatever this is. It is the holidays. I am usually chomping at the bit to set up the Christmas tree in July.. I am typically watching Christmas movies and singing Christmas carols by now. I am not even looking forward to Thanksgiving.. I dread having to set up our tree and put out all of the beautiful decorations. I dread getting out of bed in the morning.. I want to just stay snuggled in bed with Harper.. the one who still appreciates what I do.
If you are reading this and thinking about how terrible I sound.. just keep it to yourself. Your words couldn’t possibly be worse than what I tell myself on a daily basis.
Please just pray for me. Pray that peace will come.. that I will feel like our family IS complete. I can’t take this broken hearted feeling much more.
One Comment
Mrs. Neuby
Ashley, you still haven't taken the time (or had the time) to grieve the loss of the babies that you won't get to have in the future. You need to do that for yourself and for your family. I'm sure you've thought of adoption or fostering already, but that doesn't do anything to help you come to terms with the fact that you won't get to have more pregnancies and more of your biological children. There is a woman in my old MOPS group who also can't have more kids because she & her husband's genetics are just a bad match which they found out after having a daughter with a type of epilepsy which is genetically linked. She's going through the same thing you are. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your pastor, a friend, or even a doctor.