“a cat sat.”

That is the first sentence Chloe read. (The “a” is not capitalized because we will be working on that later.) She read it all by herself without any help. She wrote it by herself also, but she was writing it humongous, so I showed her how to write on the lines and she wrote it again.

Homeschooling is hard. It’s really, really hard. It’s made even more difficult when my phone is constantly ringing. I don’t answer it, ya’ll. School time. I don’t answer it during nap time anymore either because I write and do my Jamberry work. So- my phone hours are after 3 PM. Then, you have a chance of me maybe answering. Maybe. I don’t like talking on the phone because my house is loud and I end up yelling over the noise and being unable to hear what the other person is saying.

Anyway, it’s hard. Trying to keep three kids of very different learning levels entertained is tough. Chloe is a champ and blocks out Addi putting a Barbie on her head and Harper pulling her hair. I’m telling you, last week I told Scott that I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want to do it anymore because, well, last week was awful. I’ll just be honest. Nothing went right and I had a lot on my plate. However, watching Chloe’s eyes light up when she READS a word is just INCREDIBLE. I can’t imagine having sent her to school and missing these moments with her. It’s awesome. It’s still hard, but so rewarding. She is working on 16 words now. She can read most of them if she focuses and thinks. There are a few that are tricky to her, but she is doing such an awesome job.

This motherhood business.. I tell ya. It’s hard. I am exhausted. There are days when I beg for just an hour away. I just want to go somewhere and space out until I drool because my brain is so exhausted.

That is why MOPS means so much to me. I am walking this journey alongside of these women. We are all tired and weary. I love that God has given me the opportunity to pour into these mamas in such an awesome way. It’s amazing that the more you pour yourself out, the more you become filled.

I haven’t had much to say lately. Homeschooling is in full swing with Chloe. We just had our first MOPS meeting today. Doctors appointments have been happening left and right. This phase of life is BUSY. I can’t wait to slow it down and visit our families very soon. We haven’t been on vacation since April. Usually, we only do one week a year (even though Scott gets two). This year I said I was sick of it, so we are going soon. Actually, last year I was sick of it and we were two weeks away from vacation when I had a seizure and had to see doctors 3-4 times a week. Vacation cancelled. Womp.

I am so excited. Fall starts tomorrow. YAY!!! I love fall. Oh, you didn’t know that?

At MOPS today, it was all about celebrating. Celebrating for no reason. Living your life fully awake and alive. Enjoying the every day moments. Now, as a mom, those every day moments can feel monotonous. We get bogged down with dishes (I seriously just typed diseases?!) and laundry. Butt wiping, mess cleaning up, and making meals. We get into survival mode and can’t seem to claw our way out. It’s terrible.

Life is grand. How can you make this next week a celebration? That was our challenge.

We are going to decorate for Halloween tomorrow. Since we won’t be home the whole time to enjoy our decorations, I am breaking a rule and decorating early. When we decorate for a holiday, we don’t just decorate. We typically make a snack of some sort to go along with it. We watch movies with that theme. So, Hocus Pocus it is!! We will celebrate with Halloween pretzels and maybe even some candy corn. I hope to pass along my love of holidays to the girls. I think it’s already working.

As we say in MOPS:

Yesterday was the day. Yesterday was three years of our Quinny being in heaven. This whole week brings so much weight with it. I went to the ER on the 16th in the middle of the night because I started bleeding. I spent the day of the 17th praying that the ultrasound was wrong. I spent the 18th in labor to bring that tiny fragile baby into this world; though Quinn was already with Jesus.

I am never really sure what to do or how to handle that day. It is hard. It gets easier, I guess. I am not as angry as I once was. I have moments where I even feel thankful. This world is a mess. I am SO thankful for my three healthy girls. But, they are going to have heart ache. They will struggle through this life. Quinn has NEVER known anything but love. Could there really be anything more beautiful than that?

Some people don’t want to mention it. I understand. They don’t want to make me think of the pain if I have forgotten. I won’t forget. It is so nice to know that Quinn’s life mattered. I believe that life begins immediately at conception. Quinn had a life. It was short. I carried Quinn for almost 12 weeks. One day, the life was gone and I was left waiting for the inevitable.

I don’t know why this happened. I blame myself a lot. If I just hadn’t run the Warrior Dash, I wouldn’t have hurt that baby so much. But, I have to stop. I don’t know that I caused this to happen… though I truly believe that I did. God had his reasons though. I had no idea that I was pregnant. I never would have done that race if I knew. I would have taken care of my body and baby. Oh, the blame and guilt. It is something that I have to give over to God often. I have to believe that something good will come from all of this.

There is a quote that says “Your greatest ministries will come out of your deepest hurts.” I have tried to soak that in and believe it with every fiber of my being. When I lost Quinn, I had three other people in my life who lost babies shortly after I did. I debated yesterday about posting any part of our story on social media. I didn’t want people to think I was being dramatic.. or, I don’t even know. At the end of the day I realized that I needed to organize my thoughts and say something or I would never get any sleep. There was a mom who replied here and I need you all to click over there. Read and pray for her. My heart is heavy for what she is going through. God is the great physician. He CAN perform miracles. He may chose not to, and we will never know why, but PLEASE pray for her. Pray that God will put the right words in me to say to her. I cannot do anything to help her, but I know that He can.

We are a week and a half into homeschooling. Can I just be completely honest? I already want to throw in the towel. I feel like an awful mom even admitting that.

I ABSOLUTELY know that this is what God wants us to do right now, in this season. I don’t know why, because it is the most difficult season to start.

Chloe is learning really well. She is a bright and smart little girl. Here is the problem. Harper cries. A lot. She is teething right now and wants held, but it is impossible to hold a crying infant and work with a Kindergartener. I understand her crying, because molars hurt. But, Harper crying and Addi’s endless energy bouncing around make it difficult for me to concentrate. Chloe can’t focus either.

We just need to find some balance. I need to find a way to keep Harper happy. Addison is usually fine. She will play with play-doh or color a picture. Sometimes she even sits and listens to our History and Science lessons. Like I had said before, we aren’t starting anything concrete with Addi yet since she is still only three. Next year we will start preschool with her. For now, it’s good to start with just one and go up from there.

Fellow homeschool moms, what are some tips for keeping a one year old entertained during school work? I am clueless here. I used to do a lot of sensory play with the other two when they were little. A lot of those activities required a lot of supervision, so I need some new ideas. I’m all eyeballs!! And, if you think of us, pray for us. It’s tough for all five of us to adjust and get this figured out.

I don’t know about you, but as a woman, Proverbs 31 is probably THE most intimidating passage of scripture for me. Here is this woman who can do it all. She balances it all and is looked up to as “the” woman to be like. Let’s take a look at some of her attributes.

– Her husband trusts her.
– She works with her hands-willingly.
– She prepares food for her family.
– She wakes up early. (Ouch!)
– She works at home.
– She is strong- both physically and spiritually.
– She works into the night.
– She reaches out to the poor.
– She is prepared.
– Her husband is known for his amazing wife.
– She makes clothing and sells it. She holds a job.
– She is wise.
– She is beautiful.
– She is not idle.
– Her husband and children praise her.

That is just a condensed list. Wow. This woman must have superpowers, right? She stays up late working. She wakes up early to work. She is strong and smart and beautiful. But, how on earth can we achieve all of this?

I am a check list kind of lady. I like to make a list of what to do through the day. I love checking things off as completed. If I do something that isn’t on the list, you better believe I add it just for the satisfaction of checking it off. Drink coffee? Check!

Do you think that God REALLY cares about our lists at the end of the day? No! Yes, he wants us to be a good steward of the time that he has given us. But, we don’t hand over our list to God and say “Here, look what I did!!” I would probably be ashamed of my coffee drinking being on my list. Yep, that sure does a lot of good for the Lord. Yikes.

Maybe we need to stop focusing so much on our LIST. Maybe we need to just look to the real perfect example. Jesus. If we work towards being more and more like Christ, we will be molded and shaped into the women that God wants us to be. We need to love the way that He loved and serve the way that He served. Ephesians 5:2 – “And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.”

We need to stop being so hard on ourselves.

I was created by God. Ephesians 2:10 says that we are His workmanship. He created me as a woman with emotions. I am an emotional creature; more emotional than most. I often feel ashamed of this, and try to hide it. As long as I don’t let my emotions control me, this is NOT a bad thing. God created me exactly how He wanted me. He can use me exactly as I am, as long as I am willing to obey his commands and leading. I have to let go of my criticisms and checklists and look to HIM. Yes, the Proverbs 31 woman is an amazing woman to strive to be like, but we need to strive even more to be like Jesus. THAT is how we will become the P31 woman.

What criticisms of yourself do you need to let go of today?

As stated probably one hundred times before, I love fall. I love comfy scarves and sweaters. There are many, many items that I have been drooling over for months (or years) and I decided to put them all in one place. I am saving whatever I make from Jamberry in the hopes of buying my ultimate drool-worthy item- a Lily Jade diaper bag. Since working for Jamberry, I have really tried to focus on small businesses. It usually comes at a higher price-point. However, I know that what I pay is going to help that family pay bills and make a living while still doing what they love. There is so much passion in these businesses that it is hard not to want to support them. None of them have paid me to say these things about them, I just genuinely love them.

Nickel & Suede Gold Cuff: I love Nickel & Suede. They have many, many, many leather cuffs that I love. This one looks like a stack of gold bracelets. But, it’s not noisy and clangy. They have many other colors and styles that I love. I thought it would be excessive to add every item on my wishlist, but every cuff is lovely. N&S even has fringe cuffs. All the fringe!! They have super lightweight leather earrings that are adorable, too. I don’t wear anything but stud earrings, so those aren’t really for me, but go check them out.

This Mama Bear Mason Tumbler is adorable. I am a mama bear who loves mason jars and glitter..and iced coffee. There is no bad. They have many, many other tumblers and coffee cups that are adorable, too, but this is my favorite!!

This Nickel & Suede scarf is fantastic. This is strictly a cool-weather months item and it sells out all the time. I discovered it last year and kept dropping heavy hints about wanting it for Christmas. No luck. HA! It is neutral with a lot of sass. Perfection.

Let’s Playground maxi playmats have had my eye for a few months.They are made from bonded leather and range in all different sizes. The maxi is on my list because it’s HUGE and would work so well for picnics at the beach, in the yard. I really am wanting it for fall to keep those crunchy leaves out of Harper’s mouth, but still get to let her crawl around and enjoy the weather. I love the platinum color, but am afraid the sun’s reflection would be blinding.

Last, but certainly not least is the Lily Jade Shaylee in Brandy. This is one of their brand new designs. I LOVE this one. It is a diaper bag. Really. They are made of beautiful leather and come with a baby bag insert that organizes everything. We have to pack a lot of foods for Harper when we go out since we don’t know what is safe for her. Thank you, FPIES. Plus, there are the other two minions who are always giving me their barbies and ponies to stick in my bag.
I currently have a Vera Bradley bag that I like. It’s big. But, it screams DIAPER BAG. When (optimism) I can purchase my Lily Jade, I will be able to sell the Vera Bradley bag on Thred Up. That is my referral link, so if you use it- you get $20 to spend and I get $20 when you spend it. 😉 I have been entering to win a Lily Jade diaper bag for years with no luck yet. The company really impresses me. They are a company run by a Christian family. I love that they not only have a beautiful product, but they share the love of Jesus on their Instagram page.

What are you drooling over this season?

This is how Harper woke up today. It looks like she is giving me the stink eye. She’s not. Her eye was insanely swollen and droopy. If you know me, you know that my dad had a stroke a few years ago. I have made it a point to memorize the signs of a stroke.
FAST.

F- facial drooping
A- arm weakness
S- slurred speach
T- time (to call 9-1-1)

Those are the signs. I was FREAKING OUT and could only remember facial drooping and slurred speech. She is ONE, she doesn’t speak.. and her face was drooping. I kept trying to get her to smile so I could see if her mouth was droopy, too. She was so squirmy and acting silly. I assumed that I was just being silly. She wouldn’t have been acting like Harper if she was having a stroke. For Pete’s sake.. pediatric strokes present differently, too. So, go look that up. 😉

I called the doctor. They got her in this afternoon. There is some type of palsy that could cause facial drooping like that. Thankfully, it was not the case either. They think she probably got a bug bite in her sleep or that her tear duct clogged in the night. The fluid fills in around the eye when it can’t drain properly, and infants eyes swell really easily.

I guess the moral of the story is trust your gut. Even if it ends up being nothing serious, like in this case, you still know your child. I am thankful to have the peace of mind that her eye did indeed look off, and that it is nothing. I would be second guessing all day had I not called the doctor. God made you mama of your babies. You are their protector and provider. Always trust your instincts.

Also, I have never taken all three to the doctor together. I am blessed that Scott has a job where he can come watch the other two while I take one to the doctor (or the vice versa). He was out of town this time. I feel like a warrior for handling that. The resident was so kind while Chloe was sitting in his chair pretending to be a doctor.

I am so proud of my girls. Today was the first day of Kindergarten for Chloe. I don’t have many pictures because we were a little rushed today with Harper’s “emergency”, but I have a few. More on that later.

ONE The Baby Jogger City Lite is FANTASTIC. I love this stroller. It is so smooth and lite weight. The canopy is HUGE and actually blocks the sun from Harper’s eyes. There are two big peep windows so that you can check on your babe and make sure that he or she is ok. The basket is a little on the small side, but in all of our stroller-using years, I rarely ever use the basket anyway. I got the parent console to go on our stroller. It holds my drink and I can put my phone, keys, and the rock collections that inevitably come with us inside. Baby jogger just came out with a new console that looks even better.

TWO This Fisher Price Learning Home was a gift to us from a lady in our church. Harper absolutely loves this thing. She is obsessed with opening and closing doors, so she stays entertained for a long time. It plays lots of music and leaves her grooving along. It is adorable. Chloe and Addison even have fun playing with this. They climb on it and flip it around, and it is still sturdy as can be. It is not the most aesthetically pleasing toy, but so much fun for Harper. That is the whole point of toys, so I count it a major win!

THREE We bought this Radio Flyer Walker Wagon for Harper’s first birthday. It is AMAZING. She walks back and forth through the house and cracks up laughing the whole time. She goes and goes until she crashes into something. We turn it around so that she can be on the run again. She loves to throw toys and whatever she can get her hands on inside.

FOUR These Munchkin cups are the best!! The lid screws on and can’t be popped off. It is harder for her to dump her snacks all over the floor, and often knocks some of them out of her hand. If you have a one-year-old, you know why this is a huge plus. Those chubby fingers cram as much as possible into her mouth. I love the sweet ballerinas on Harper’s cup, too.

FIVE I also love these Lansinoh mOmma cups. Harper is just learning to use a straw. They don’t leak too much (seriously, is there a cup that DOESN’T leak?) and they are adorable!!! I want a giant cup like this for myself.

SIX I love these Melissa & Doug chunky puzzles so much. We redeemed Pamper’s reward points to get this puzzle. The pieces are big and sturdy enough to withstand hulk-smashes into the floor, and being thrown across the room. They are easy for Harper to pick up. I want to check out some of their puzzles with the giant knobs. I really love all Melissa & Doug products. They are good quality, and SO good for teaching all of my kids.

These are just some of my favorites. Is there anything that you would add to this list? I feel like it has been forever since I’ve had a one year old. I love this age. There is so much learning and processing going on. I really can’t say enough about this age. It is probably my favorite age so far.

We start Kindergarten in 5 days!! AHHHH! Where has the time gone and how is my first born old enough for Kindergarten?!

Our homeschool setup is kind of sad. We don’t have the space to do anything spectacular, nor do we currently have the funds for it. What we have is functional, though, and that is really the important thing. I didn’t want to put tons of work and effort into it because it may change soon. Please don’t judge me for that. There is a GOOD reason for it, not just laziness. I am not at liberty to share that part of our lives yet. 😉

Here is our school calendar. I wish that I had bought one with “first day of school” and holiday pictures. The hanging folder organizer is for extra papers for the girls to do. The bulk of her school work is in workbooks that don’t tear out, so this will be for all of the printables that we do. There are five pockets, so I can organize one week at a time.

Here is our shelf system. There is a blue basket on top that holds all of her workbooks and our read-aloud book. I am sure that this will change as we get going and find things that work better. For now, it keeps everything together. The tubs on the first shelf have the girls’ crayon boxes and small maker boards to practice writing on. There’s also a folder to hold their work for the day (so they can show daddy all of their hard work) and a dry erase pocket that will allow them to trace over a word or letter many times over. The middle row of shelves has extra workbooks that have been picked up over the years. The bottom shelf has puzzles and board books that Harper can get in to while we are doing school. If anyone has suggestions for keeping a one-year-old entertained while doing school with older kids- I am all great big ears….
I also have a large marker board to write their memory verses on, along with the usual use. (Ours is a Board Dude with black frame from Target) It is mounted with command strips so that we don’t put tons of holes in the walls of the main living space. And, I can rearrange if I need to.

This is quite possible the most depressing part. My sister found these great kids’ desks at a thrift store in her area. She snatched them up for me and had my parents deliver them. I have been racking my brain to figure out a way to make them more fun. For now, it is against the wall on the opposite side of the table. I can move it out when we are doing school work, and then tuck it back against the wall. I love this desk because I remember using them in school. There is also a smaller leap frog desk that is for Addison. It is in the play room right now while I figure out what the heck I am doing here. I am trying so hard to figure out how to get it all together somehow.

I thought about making the playroom into a homeschool room and weeding out a lot of the big toys. The main thing in the play room is a play kitchen and a barbie house. However, that would leave Harper roaming the rest of the house alone, or trapped in the room with us. Neither option seemed very good. Especially her roaming the house, as you can tell by the above picture. I think that this will be really functional, though incredibly disappointing to me because I have had so many great ideas for how to better set up. If only we could wiggle our nose and add on some extra square footage.