I love my blog name. I love the meaning behind four arrows.

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children[a] of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”
Psalm 127:3-5

That being said, I have decided to switch domains for my blog. Everything I read about blogging has the #1 rule as “WordPress”. So, I checked it out. I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Or something like that.. I don’t even know.

Either way, I was able to get the title that I REALLY wanted. My Four Arrows.

Head over to MyFourArrows.wordpress.com to see the new blog. It is still under construction, so bear with me, please. If you use bloglovin’, I am on there, too.

I feel like an indecisive teenager.. But, this sticks. I am leaving this blog active, because it has all of my memories from when Chloe was a newborn. That is the only reason that I feel really hesitant to say goodbye to this one. But, change is good. It’s a fresh start. A blank slate.

I am keeping the beautiful logo that Lexi painted for me though!

I think that we all need to find a direction in life. Where are you going? Where do you want to be in a week? In a month? In a year?

This is my goal.. to find my strength.

I feel like I have just been sort of drifting. I know that I want to be a good wife and mom all days. I want to represent Christ well. But, what else? I need to have a goal for myself.

So do you.

I was reading on Oak & Oats today about creating a mission statement for your blog. It doesn’t have to be publicly shared; it’s more for you.

I feel a little (lot) scatterbrained a lot of days. Life is crazy and hectic, and it has been throwing some MEAN curve balls in my direction. I feel like I have given up on even swinging and keep letting them pummel me. I need to regain my focus and direction.

So, I am challenging myself to create a mission statement for this blog. It is a random space where my brain gets poured out and attempted to form into coherent thoughts that help someone. Or, just inspire someone. I am a daydreamer, and a lot of that gets dumped on here, too. I am a mom, so my hashtag mom life gets poured out here as well. I am hurting, and that gets poured out.

There is so much that gets poured here, but I always want people to leave my blog space a little better than they were before.

I don’t know if that has ever happened. Ever. But, that is my main goal.

I am challenging you also. What is your focus? What is your “mission statement” for your life? I still remember the mission statement that we created for our youth department back in high school. “H2O student ministries exists to expose unsaved teens to the love of Christ, bringing them into our fellowship, teaching them to observe all things so they can work and praise him.”

Or something like that.

It’s awesome. It gave us a direction and a purpose. It was a challenge to us as teens. We knew WHY we were doing what we were doing.

So, let’s hear it. What is your WHY?

I need God’s grace. Oh, how I mess up. I am not good at life. I think I would receive a big fat “F” on my life report card.

I get frustrated. I get down. I get angry. I struggle. I am so far from perfect.

God is so merciful and so full of grace. He loves me in spite of, well, ME. He created me. He formed me and paid such close attention to every detail of me. He knew that I was going to be full of emotion. He knew that I was going to struggle with controlling my temper. He knew that I was going to be a big crybaby. He knew that I would feel unsatisfied. He knew it all.

Yet, He loved me. He doesn’t want me to live this way. NO. Many of us think “OH, well God knew I was going to be this way, so it’s ok for me to live like it.” NO!!! He KNEW, but He desires so much more for us. He desires for me to live a controlled life. No, not like a puppet. Control my temper. Control my emotions. I need to know how to control myself. He desires for me to full of joy and content with where I am and what I have. Because, I have so much.

Don’t just think that you are stuck and refuse to stay there. God’s grace will help us.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

He will give us rest. We just have to come to Him.

When I wrote my post on Thursday, I was just dealing with some personal things. Frustrations with life and waiting.. September and the “anniversary” of losing our baby always puts me in a funk that is so hard to shake. I grieve for the loss. I grieve for the loss of the babies that I never got to have because of Epilepsy. I just grieve.

When I finished that post, I received a text from someone that I love very much that contained some really terrible news. I am grieving for her and what she found out; for what she is going to continue finding out for many, many years to come. I am heartbroken for her.. for all of them.. It’s NOT about me. I have always been such an emotional person, and I feel the weight of what everyone else is going through, but only to an extent. I cannot imagine what she is feeling.

The next day, while picking up fabric for a Halloween costume, I received a phone call that has shattered my world. A friend was gone. Her life ended in the most shocking way imaginable, and I cannot wrap my mind around it. I just can’t. I loved her. She was incredible and so full of life. She was hilarious and caring.. just amazing. I had just seen her when we were visiting our home church. I was able to give her a huge hug (she gives some of the best) and tell her how happy I was to see her.

When I was pregnant with Addison, we were home for my sister’s wedding. This friend came up to me and said “Oh, I didn’t know you were pregnant again!” I looked at her and said “What are you talking about?”. I should back up. This friend is as sarcastic as they come. Or was, I guess. She liked pranks and all of that fun stuff. She stumbled over her words and a lot of “oh, you’re.. you’re not…” started coming out and I couldn’t contain my laughter. I was 9 months pregnant. Big as a whale pregnant. She couldn’t believe that I did that to her, and cracked up.

So, when I saw her this time, I told her that I was just talking about her and hoping that we were still friends after that. “We are. We are still friends.” I remember telling her that I was glad. But, did I say enough? Gosh. That was our last conversation before she said bye to me after church. I heard Pastor whisper in her ear, “I love you. You know that? You know that I love you?” Why didn’t I tell her that?! Why didn’t I say more? Why did I joke about something stupid.

You NEVER know when it is going to be your last conversation with someone.. This grief is heavy. These regrets hurt. I should have told her how much she meant to me, because now I can’t. I can’t get that back.

I am trying SO HARD to lean on God, as I know that I should. But, it’s hard to not be angry. He is good. He is ALWAYS, ALWAYS good and I KNOW that. But, I don’t understand this. So, I continue praying and crying and trying hard to remember that He walked this earth in the form of a man. He knew all of these hurts and heartaches. He knows.

In this season of “stuck” I am constantly trying to remember this. My life is not bad. In fact, it is pretty wonderful to have three amazing little girls and a ridiculously handsome husband by my side. But, it doesn’t feel “beautiful” right now. If that makes any sense at all? We are hurting and praying our way through some obstacles and challenges.

Life is beautiful though. It may not look like it right now, but it will be. God will open up the perfect door for us. He will show us his will and what this puzzle is that he is creating. We are being handed one piece at a time and we have to move and twist it to figure out just where it fits in all of this.

We have to have faith. God has never let us down before. Some days it feels like we are just falling, right? We ask God where He is in all of this.

He is preventing things from happening that we don’t see. He is working in so many ways that we just cannot understand or fathom. What He has planned is far more beautiful than we can plan for ourselves.

What is God using to test you in right now? Are you trusting in Him and His plan? Are you so weary that you can’t even pray; all you can do is cry? God knows. He hears the crying of your heart. Even though you may not be able to form the words, He knows….

And that reminds me of a beautiful Jeremy Camp song.

October is my favorite month. I love the weather, pumpkin patch going, decorating for Halloween; all of it.

This October has just stunk though. It’s kind of frustrating.

Scott and I are still in a waiting period. We’re trying to praise in the hallway, but after 6 months or more of hanging in the hallway, it’s starting to feel like the walls are closing in. Frustration is mounting. Exhausting is setting in.

October 1st Harper had her finger slammed in a bedroom door by one of her big sisters. Not a big deal, right? Not usually, but this time it cut a big chunk of her pinky off. Thankfully, no bone was broken, and it is healing as well as it can. Her finger is going to be deformed, but she is going to be just fine. Her chunky legs have been getting caught in the slats of her crib. Yesterday, it got stuck really badly and her leg is now black and blue. We’ve ordered some Wonder Bumpers to see if they help. If not, back they go. I’m also going to get some sleep sacks to put her in. I don’t know what else to do. For now, she is sleeping in the pack and play.

We just keep getting more and more bad news in our family.. like, seriously, just STOP. Yes, I work with teenagers and that is exactly how they speak. But, I am so tired. I am TIRED of bad news. I am tired of heartache and hurt. I am just trying to lean on God’s promises. We all need to.

Imange from French Press Mornings

“I will carry you
While your heart beats here;
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years.
I will carry you
All my life.
I will praise the one who’s chosen me
To carry you.”

That is the chorus of a song called “I will carry you” by Selah. It has stuck with me over the past three years. I have written more times than I can count about my loss; our families loss. A couple of weeks ago the girls were asking about what “number” they were in our family. I took it is a great opportunity to tell them that they have a sibling in heaven that they get to meet one day. I don’t think any of it stuck. But, Quinn mattered. Quinn is just as much a part of our family as Chloe, Addi, and Harper are. We are a 6 person family even though it looks very different than I imagined.

It was my biggest fear to lost a child. I feared miscarriage in such a strange way. Even as a teenager who always dreamed of being a mommy, I feared it.

Anyway, ever since my fear came to life, I have searched for a piece of jewelry to wear in honor of Quinn. I wanted something permanent to have here on earth. A tattoo is not in the equation for me.. though I do have a design in my mind.

We traveled last week to see family. A friend of mine asked me for my address and said that she was sending me a surprise. I had no idea what she could possibly be sending to me. We left town for 10 days, so we didn’t get our mail for that time.

Scott picked up our mail today from our neighbor. I opened a package from a company called Eclectic Pretties. Imagine my surprise when I saw this inside..

I can’t capture the perfection of this in pictures.

I am blown away. Just seeing Quinn’s name; my Quinn, not some random Quinn caused a huge flood of emotions to wash over me. It is so beautiful.

This friend went through the same loss within weeks of me. We leaned hard on each other and talked through our grief a lot. The fact that she thought to do something so wonderful for me is just incredible. She had a really beautiful letter in with the package.

Ya’ll. People are so good. Sometimes we see all of the ugliness in this world and we forget how wonderful people can be. I have never thought of this friend as anything but wonderful. We met back when I worked at a huge daycare. Who knew that a daycare could bring me so many wonderful friends who I am still close to all of these years later.

Some people may forget that tiny life, but I never will. This month is Infant Loss Awareness Month. What a wonderful month to receive such a special gift.

I know that I have mentioned before that I sell Jamberry. It has been in a downward slump for the past few months. Honestly, it’s been a blessing. There has been so much going on in life that I needed the break. However, this month has been great.

I have had three really great parties. I am finally feeling “back” and I enjoy the work. My team is amazing. My “Jam-mom” is awesome. My Team Manager is awesome. I am really hoping to start building my team soon. I would love to be able to encourage and help some other women in their Jamberry business the way that I have been.

I have made this my motto. I never want to be dishonest about my business. If I don’t like a product, I’m not going to say that I do. I make a huge effort to try out every new product that we have. If I haven’t tried it, I don’t talk about it like I have. I will let customers know about the product, and what I have heard about it.

Shouldn’t every business worker run their business that way? Honesty. Integrity. These values are all encouraged in us by the higher-ups in the company. I love, love working for Jamberry. I have never once regretted joining this amazing company. I highly recommend it to any other woman who is looking for some extra income. Especially with the holidays coming up. The kit is 100% worth the cost, and even if you don’t want to sell, it is a great thing to purchase. Plus, you get a discount on any product that you purchase. Wouldn’t you love to work like this?

If you are ever interested in just hosting a party or seeing what Jamberry is all about, let me know. I’d love to share some more information with you.

It is Monday. Good grief.

Teaching phonics is like beating your head into a wall. Harper chooses that specific time to start crying and pulling on my legs. It doesn’t matter what time we start, or what time I do the phonics lesson, she cries then. She is fine the whole time Chloe is doing worksheets. But, once more one on one time is NECESSARY. Cries. Lots and lots of cries.

My husband woke me up wearing a batman mask and yelling my name over and over again. Every time I would say “What” he would just say “ASHLEY” in his batman voice. Not cool, husband. Not cool at all.

But, kinda funny.. aside from my strong feelings towards mornings.

I hope that your Monday is going well. National Coffee Day is tomorrow! Free coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts!!