I think that we can all agree that we are left a little shaken up from the past week. So many lives lost in so many different countries. I wanted to hide in a bubble, because surely I would be safe there.

But, if we hide in fear, they win. I won’t let that happen. We had been planning to have our fellow youth ministry friends over for a turkey luncheon. I won a House Party pack from Kikkoman. They sent me a box full of t-shirts, coupons, oven mitts, and a gift card to buy the food supplies that we needed. Ministry life means that you don’t really get free weekends. We were blessed that two other families were able to join us, and we missed the few that had other obligations.

Scott is my turkey maker. He always takes care of the turkey first thing in the morning; only we brined the bird for the first time this year, so the prep started Friday night. I spent the rest of the morning preparing stuffing, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, and gravy.

It was exactly what my soul needed. We needed to gather and fill our bellies full of delicious food. We needed to watch our little girls play and enjoy the innocence of not knowing all of the wicked things in this world. We needed to laugh and enjoy each other’s company. It was encouraging and uplifting. It was perfect.

So, don’t let them win. Yes, it’s ok to be cautious and aware. It’s good. But, don’t stop living.

House Party and Kikkoman sponsored our gathering. All words, opinions, and fun had are my own. 

On Sunday, my friend Carmen asked me if I’d like to take a free self defense class with her. In case you don’t know, we live in a REALLY unsafe area. One of the most violent cities in America kind of unsafe. I, of course, said “YES!!” because I have been wanting to take one for a long time. The class is  called R.A.D. That stands for Rape Aggression Defense.
You can check out their website here.
I LOVE this class. I am half-way through it, and I already feel so much more empowered. I have always been really alert when I go anywhere. But, even if I saw someone coming, I would not have known what to do. I have three kids to protect. I want to know that I can keep them safe to the best of my abilities.
It’s no joke. Last night, this big six foot something man put pads on his arms and was swinging at my face. I had to block the hits. He got my chin once because I wasn’t fully prepared for it. I am so glad that they don’t mess around though. He didn’t hit me hard. But, if I am actually being attacked by someone, THEY WILL!! I want to be prepared. This has woken me up to the fact that I need to work out a lot more than I do. I need to make sure that I have the strength to keep myself and my girls safe. I am sore from the 2 1/2 hours of learning to defend myself.
Next Thursday will be simulation day. There will be men wearing these full body suits. They are going to use 80% of their body strength to simulate an attack. Honestly, I am freaking out a little bit about that. However, I would much rather figure this out in a controlled environment facing this:

..than someone who is ready to attack me in real life.
If you ever get the opportunity to take a course like this, DO IT!! You are no weak. You can handle it. It is really unfortunate in our society to feel it necessary to learn these tactics, but I am so glad that I am. I already feel empowered and challenged.
They also offer these courses for men; YES, men can be sexually assaulted, too, and for the elderly. Our course happens to be free, but some do charge around $20 to take it. Once you take it, you can show up to another class with your handbook and re-take it for free. I plan to re-take it whenever I get the opportunity.
I am only writing this to urge you to take the class, not because I am being sponsored in any way by them. 

The following links are affiliate links.

I just started reading Sarah Mae’s newest book Longing for Paris: One Woman’s Search for Joy, Beauty, and Adventure-Right Where She Is.

I pre-ordered it as soon as I could. I love Sarah Mae’s writing. She is co-auther of the book Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe. I highly recommend it to any mother.

Anyway, when you read anything by her, you feel like she is sitting across the table from you sipping on some coffee. I always think to myself, “Did she write this about ME?” God uses her to speak directly to my heart in such an amazing way. I had packed this book away because I have a stack of books that I have been wanting to read. I kept feeling God tugging at me to pull out Longing for Paris. I was getting ready for a doctor’s appointment, and I decided to put it into my purse. I have been feeling stuck; like I am barely keeping my head above water. I feel like I am drowning in the slowest and most painful way possible.

All I got through was the forward, and I was already on the verge of tears. “I wanted to get out of the dailiness of life and into an adventure. I wanted to travel and see and touch and do, but my life didn’t afford me that luxury. I couldn’t just up and leave my family in order to figure out what was going on in my soul.”

Shew.. That is it. That is my heart put into words on paper. I LOVE my life. I love my family. I couldn’t imagine life without them. I don’t want my life without them. But, I want adventure. I have these desires in my heart to see the beautiful world around me. I want to get unstuck. I want to feel alive again. My soul is in such a difficult place. When I became a mother, I feel like I sort of lost myself. Ashley become “mom” and “wife” only. Where did ASHLEY go?

“I want to know how to live between this tension of following my dreams and living a Jesus-following, cross-centered life. I want to know how to not shut out my longings, while at the same time giving myself to the daily work of raising my children well and not being so divided that I neglect them. I want to know, does the Lord approve of my dreams? And really, what are dreams? What are my longings, and why are they there? Can I be a good mom, and intentional mom, and also allow my longings to come to life? And can I truly enjoy my life right where I am?”

Please do not misinterpret what I am trying to say! I LOVE my children. They are such a huge gift from God. I wouldn’t have it any other way. However, I am still in here somewhere, and I have neglected allowing myself to grow and nurture my own soul. I cannot pour into my children if I am completely empty.

This is going to be a long process; a life-long process. We constantly have to discover who we are in Jesus. If I don’t figure out who I am, and allow these desires to come alive, I will be neglecting who God created me to be. I will not be using my gifts the way that God wants because I have neglected them for too long. I want to be used to my full potential.

What are you longing for in life?

This little unicorn-rider is FOUR today!! Addi is also horribly sick, so this update is SHORT. I’ll do a more detailed one when (IF) everyone is better. I am so proud of the person this little girl has become.
Please forgive the terrible quality of my cell phone picture. HA!

Wow. What a weekend. Where did it go?  I don’t think it is ever long enough.

I got to spend a glorious Friday out by myself doing some grocery shopping. Really, it’s glorious going alone. Then, I took the older two girls to Sam’s Club. I’m a cool mom like that. We picked up a pizza for our traditional “Pizza and a Movie” Friday evening. Then, we stopped at Family Video to pick out some movies. If you didn’t know, they have TONS of free kids movies. I let each of them pick out two movies.

We have been stuck in our house for almost two weeks now. Harper has had some sort of stomach bug. That seems to be gone, but her fever and fussiness are not. Yes, I know she COULD be teething, but her fever is also too high for that. She’s been to the doctor and they couldn’t find anything. “It’s just a virus, mom. Gotta let it run it’s course.” Thankfully, she has a well visit on Tuesday so we can have her checked again.

Tired doesn’t even begin to explain it.
Saturday, Scott had a lot of things to do at the church. We hung out at home watching our rented movies and rearranging furniture. I drive my husband nuts with how often I want to rearrange. But, really, it’s the best way to clean!!
This was mid-rearranging at night.

On Sunday, I was helping to get the older girls ready for church. Addi came up to me and said “My tummy hurts.” I think you can guess what happened next… She was so upset to have to stay home from church. I almost cried when Scott and Chloe came home and told us that they had a birthday party for Addi. They even sang happy birthday without her there.
She is still sick today, and tomorrow is her birthday. “Mr. Jeff” is her VERY BEST FRIEND. She adores him because he has a cool key for his car. haha! She has been saying for MONTHS that she wanted him to come to her birthday party. He has been planning all along to come celebrate with her. Her little heart broke today when I told her that he wasn’t going to be able to come since she was sick.
I am determined to make this week fun, even though ALL of them are sick now. They are so worried about Halloween being ruined. I told them that even if they are sick for Halloween, we will make it special. I’ll find little games to play and cut their toast into special shapes if nothing else.

I hope that you all have a fun and exciting week before Halloween!