Yesterday was the day. Yesterday was three years of our Quinny being in heaven. This whole week brings so much weight with it. I went to the ER on the 16th in the middle of the night because I started bleeding. I spent the day of the 17th praying that the ultrasound was wrong. I spent the 18th in labor to bring that tiny fragile baby into this world; though Quinn was already with Jesus.
I am never really sure what to do or how to handle that day. It is hard. It gets easier, I guess. I am not as angry as I once was. I have moments where I even feel thankful. This world is a mess. I am SO thankful for my three healthy girls. But, they are going to have heart ache. They will struggle through this life. Quinn has NEVER known anything but love. Could there really be anything more beautiful than that?
Some people don’t want to mention it. I understand. They don’t want to make me think of the pain if I have forgotten. I won’t forget. It is so nice to know that Quinn’s life mattered. I believe that life begins immediately at conception. Quinn had a life. It was short. I carried Quinn for almost 12 weeks. One day, the life was gone and I was left waiting for the inevitable.
I don’t know why this happened. I blame myself a lot. If I just hadn’t run the Warrior Dash, I wouldn’t have hurt that baby so much. But, I have to stop. I don’t know that I caused this to happen… though I truly believe that I did. God had his reasons though. I had no idea that I was pregnant. I never would have done that race if I knew. I would have taken care of my body and baby. Oh, the blame and guilt. It is something that I have to give over to God often. I have to believe that something good will come from all of this.
There is a quote that says “Your greatest ministries will come out of your deepest hurts.” I have tried to soak that in and believe it with every fiber of my being. When I lost Quinn, I had three other people in my life who lost babies shortly after I did. I debated yesterday about posting any part of our story on social media. I didn’t want people to think I was being dramatic.. or, I don’t even know. At the end of the day I realized that I needed to organize my thoughts and say something or I would never get any sleep. There was a mom who replied here and I need you all to click over there. Read and pray for her. My heart is heavy for what she is going through. God is the great physician. He CAN perform miracles. He may chose not to, and we will never know why, but PLEASE pray for her. Pray that God will put the right words in me to say to her. I cannot do anything to help her, but I know that He can.
