There are hundreds of blog posts that give great tips for visiting a new mom. This one is my favorite. There is a lot of criticism towards this article.. that it’s absurd to have such a long list of rules when people just want to see the baby. Some of them are a bit much for me, but you know what? That mama worked hard. No delivery, recovery, etc. is going to be completely easy. Even if it is, having a new baby is tiring. If you feel like you are ENTITLED to see the baby, why can’t a mom feel “entitled” to lay down some ground rules for when you come to visit. Navigating those first weeks, and sometimes months is a difficult task. That is HER baby, not yours. She can make whatever rules she wants to, and you just have to live with it because she is mommy and you are not. Not to mention, you are coming into HER home. Is it really that bad to be expected to WASH YOUR HANDS and not stay very long?
Anyway.
I feel like there is a lack of posts that give some ground rules for when a person is interacting with a new mom and baby, especially in a church-type situation. At church, you end up going from person to person who violates these rules. By the time you finally reach the door to leave, you want to collapse into a ball and cry… or maybe I am the only one. Here are some things that I wish that more people would think about.
1. Look, don’t touch Babies are cute and sweet, and everyone wants to get their hands on them. While I am not a huge germaphobe, I do not want people touching my baby’s hands or face. My baby sucks her thumb. whatever germs you have all over your hands just got on hers, and are now in her mouth. Plus, if she gets sick it is going to trickle through our family, and three sick kids is not an easy task. Don’t touch her face either. Would you really want someone poking all over your face? Especially someone that you don’t know?
2. Think before you “tell the baby” things. Whenever people talk to my baby about the things that they feel that I am doing wrong, it really frustrates me. If you have a problem, just say it to the mother instead of, “Oh, your mommy needs to support your head more, doesn’t she?” Maybe it would be better if you just didn’t say anything at all unless the child’s health or life is in danger. Most moms are doing the best that they can, and doing what they believe to be right in their hearts. I can’t get over how much criticism has been given to me by talking to my babies. Talking to my baby is fine, obviously, but please don’t use it as an opportunity to tear me down.
3. ASK if it is ok to hold the baby This seems like it should be a no-brainer, right? I have had several people actually take my baby out of my hands without asking me if it was even ok to hold her. No, not strangers, but it is still not ok. Just because we go to church together does not mean that I want you taking my baby out of my hands… especially when I have FINALLY calmed her down from a crying fit. I actually enjoy holding my baby. The only times I need a “break” from it are when I am home and have had to hold her all day long if she is not feeling well or upset. That is what her daddy is for.
4. Limit the amount of time you spend extra close to the baby I have three little girls. I have always been in churches that are filled with people who love to love on my little babies. That is fantastic. I would much rather that than the people who hate babies and feel the need to say so. However, the more time you spend in a baby’s face, the more time you are also in the mom’s face. I understand that people want to see the baby up close. That is understandable. Babies are cute. But, so many people just stay there. Maybe this is just me, but I have a bubble. I prefer for people to spend a majority of their time outside of that bubble when interacting with me… and my bubble isn’t even that big. I want at least a foot between our faces.
5.If you see that a mom is rushing, don’t stop her Getting a baby ready to go anywhere is stressful. Inevitably, as soon as they are in the carseat, they will spit-up on whatever they are wearing. So, you have to start all over again. I am usually running behind when I get to church. I am trying to high-tail it to the nursery so that I can feed her (she doesn’t take a bottle very well yet, so I feed her in the nursery to ensure that she can make it through both services) and make it to Sunday School on time. Please, just say hi and let me keep rushing. If you see a mom in a grocery store with a baby, and she looks frazzled, just smile politely and keep going. If the baby is screaming, don’t even make eye contact. Pretend that you don’t hear the baby. I have had so many people stare at me if my baby is screaming; even other mom’s who are holding babies. I am sure that you have heard a baby cry before. If you are a mother, you know how much you are sweating and desperate to disappear when the screaming episodes happen in public.
6. Always acknowledge siblings There are so many times that my sweet older girls are completely ignored because people want to see the baby. If older siblings are next to the baby. Please say hello to them. Make sure that they know that they are not completely forgotten. They are going through a lot of changes with a new baby at home. Please try to make this easier on them.
***I am editing this post to add to it**
7. Just because it was ok “when your kids were little” does not mean it is ok now A lot of research has been done in the last 20+ years. Babies are safer in five-point harness car seats. We would all be safer if we could have a five-point harness. Just because you survived however you rode in the car doesn’t mean anything. Why wouldn’t you want to do what is safer for a child if you now know better? Babies do not need water or rice in their bottles. They get all of the hydration and nutrients they need in their milk or formula. Once again, a mother is doing what she feels is best in her heart. If you are watching a baby, respect what the mom wants. Don’t give things to the baby that she has asked you not to. Watching a baby is a privilege. It is not a right. If you break a mom’s trust by doing something just because “it was ok when your kids were little”; most likely you will no longer be watching that baby.
8. Be supportive Breast milk is always better than formula- God made us this way, and that is what I choose to do. If a mother is struggling with breast feeding- offer her encouraging words instead of suggesting that she just give up. I have only stopped breast feeding in the past because of another pregnancy. Even then, I kept going until I literally was no longer producing any milk. I have had issues every time with breast feeding, but I am stubborn and stuck/am sticking with it. I can’t tell you how many times I have been told to just give up. “It’s not worth it.” To me, it is incredibly worth it. However, if a mother reaches the point where it feels like too much, and she switches to formula, do not harass her about it. That decision is tough. It was hard on me even though my only other option would have been to starve my babies. I have never started a baby out on formula, so I can’t relate to the feelings of being given a hard time about that. Just be supportive though. I have said it a million times (or maybe it just feels that way): EVERY MOM IS DOING WHAT SHE FEELS IS BEST IN HER HEART. Why don’t we just start supporting each other in this journey?
This post is incredibly self-serving. I will admit that. I do not like hurting people’s feelings. I have a hard time speaking up when something bothers me. I have asked my husband to speak up for me because he is much better at it than I am. I just don’t like seeing the hurt on people’s faces when I say “no”. If people don’t even ask and just plow through, I am often too shocked to figure out the words to say. I want people to read this and realize that maybe their actions can be completely overwhelming without intending to be that way. I don’t think anyone sets out to be an annoying person, though there are a few people who leave me scratching my head. If you read this and feel guilty, know that you are most certainly not the only person doing these things. But, please, don’t just read this and keep on doing the same things that you have been doing. Try to be less overwhelming if you realize that you are doing it.
I always struggle a lot when I have a new baby. I am assured in what I am doing. I LOVE having a new baby in the house, so it is not the baby that causes the struggle. I don’t mind the sleep depravation, because I love my baby. I want to spend time with her. I don’t want to have to share her at all; just being honest here. Even visiting family is a struggle, because I end up feeling like I miss out on days of her life. I want to snuggle her as much as possible and soak up every moment of her infancy. It goes by too quickly. That is where I struggle. Infancy only lasts one year. One short year that flies by all too quickly. It is even harder this time because I will never get that again. I am never going to have a brand new baby that is my flesh and blood to snuggle. I struggle with everyone wanting to pass my baby around. I always want to rush through the crowds and get home where I feel “safe”. I know that at home I can soak it all up without having to share with anyone but her daddy and sisters… which makes my heart just as happy as when I am holding her.
What about you? Do you have anything to add to this list?
