It is almost September! I have always anticipated September every year. I anticipate it more and more every year. It is the beginning of Fall weather. It is the month before OCTOBER, which is my favorite month of the year! I enjoy “back to school” time, as a former teacher, and a soon-to-be homeschooling mama! I love September. But, this September is feeling a little bit different to me. It is approaching the one year “anniversary” of when we lost our precious baby, Quinn Lael. I am not sure if I have ever shared our baby’s name before, but there you have it. Quinn means “Counsel” and Lael means “belonging to God”. We decided that we did not want to refer to our baby as “it”, so we gave the baby a pretty gender-neutral name. I really had a feeling that this baby was a boy, but I always have that feeling and end up surprised. Scott and I joke that Quinn was probably his only boy.
September 16, 2012 I had just finished writing a Facebook message to my friend Lexi. I was telling her that I REALLY felt like something was wrong. I hadn’t gained ANY weight. I was 11 weeks pregnant. I am NOT one of those lucky people who doesn’t gain weight for weeks. I gain, and I again hard. I had some morning sickness… mostly when all of my family was in town and I hid in our bedroom with a grocery bag. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was pregnant yet, so I did the gross and unthinkable.. Anyway, I just finished hitting “send” when I felt something. I went to the bathroom while Scott dealt with one of our crying children. Then I discovered that I was bleeding. Nothing bad, but I had NEVER had any spotting before, so I was really worried. We called our neighbor, AKA Pastor’s wife, and asked her to sit with the girls while we went to the ER. They took FOR-E-VER and did ultrasounds and blood tests. The doctor came back FINALLY and said that it appeared that the baby was only developed to 4-5 weeks gestation. She said “there is still a chance that you just aren’t as far along as you thought”. Yes, because women frequently get positive pregnancy tests a week BEFORE they are even pregnant. I know that she was just trying to make me feel better, but come on. I just nodded and said “ok”. I don’t remember getting dressed, or walking to the car. I remember that halfway home a song came on the radio. A song that I think that God put there just for me. A song that I angrily turned off the radio to… Josh Wilson’s “Fall Apart” become my theme song. I didn’t want to hear it on the way home. I was just numb. I wasn’t angry with God. My heart sang “You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name”. The next couple of days were just a blur of wondering WHEN my body would actually “miscarry”.
September 18, 2012 in the evening I started to have some cramping. I won’t get graphic or gross, but let’s just say that it HURTS. Loosing a baby in this way emotionally hurts, and physically hurts A LOT! I was not prepared for the pain, as the doctor told me that it was just feel like all of the monthly garbage women deal with. LIES! It felt just like labor, only it didn’t get AS strong as it would in the end. I will remember this day for the rest of my life. I cried a lot. But, there was a voice whispering “God is good”. GOD IS GOOD!! God is always good. God is good on the bad days. God is good on the hard days. God has been good ever since this day, and God was good long before this day. I remember that we were singing “A Mighty Fortress” in choir the Sunday after it all happened. I shook so violently just trying to get through the song. God so beautifully orchestrated everything surrounding the horrible day that I lost the baby. He placed constant reminders in my path that He would NEVER leave me or forsake me; that He works ALL things to my good.
There are days where I still get so consumed with grief and heartbreak that I feel like I just shut down and autopilot comes on. But, those days are getting farther apart. I can type this without tears streaming down my face. I am not sure why I am writing or sharing this. Maybe just so that I can heal a little more. Maybe there is a mama out there with a broken heart and empty womb. Maybe no one will ever read this post.
I want to encourage anyone who may be reading this to remember that God IS in control. I do not know why I lost my baby, but I do know that He is good. He never does anything to hurt me, but to mold me and shape me into the woman He desires me to become. My heavenly father loves me more than anyone on this planet ever has or could. Shortly after I lost my baby, I had FOUR friends/family members loose their babies. I was grateful that I could be an ear to listen, and someone who knew how to pray for them specifically. I become a member of a club of supportive and strong women who were so wonderful to share their stories with me. I would never wish this club on anyone, but if you are in this club, know that you are not alone.
