A few weeks ago, my husband preached in our morning service. His message was all about burdens. We are meant to share some burdens with others, we are meant to carry some burdens, and some burdens were never meant to be ours in the first place. I have been carrying the burden of fear and worry with this pregnancy since the beginning. FEAR IS NOT A BURDEN WE ARE EVER MEANT TO CARRY!! I picked that burden up and attempted to take off running with it. The thing is, worry is such a heavy burden that it has pretty much crushed me. I would cry in the car on the way to every doctors appointment because I was so terrified that something could be wrong.
I went to the altar, gave Jesus my burden of fear, and I left it there. I didn’t want to pick it back up. The thing with leaving things at the altar is that so often, as soon as we say “amen”, we pick up whatever we put down and take it with us. STOP IT!! I was on my way to my first doctor’s appointment since then. I realized while singing praises to my savior that I hadn’t ONCE thought about my fear of something happening to this baby or something being wrong. I smiled, and realized how freeing it had been to let it go. It helps a lot that this baby is on the go constantly, so maybe my faith is puny. OK, I know that my faith is puny. I am working on growing my faith.
Anyway, I go through the usual OB stuff. “Here, let me weigh you with big numbers right in your face so you feel like the heifer you really are.” Ok, so she didn’t say that.. but it sure feels like it when the numbers on the scale rapidly start increasing at this point. Ok, now go pee in a cup and awkwardly hand it to me when you are done. I wait for my doctor in the waiting room and realize that I feel TERRIBLE. I forgot to actually eat a breakfast and had only had a small mug of milk to drink. It was almost ELEVEN. Dumb. Dr. pretty comes in and tells me that everything looks great other than that I still have blood in my urine. You know how I discovered that I was having a miscarriage with the last pregnancy? Blood. Somehow I still felt peace. She checks the baby’s heart beat, and it is perfect. She tells me that she is concerned about the blood because SOMETHING is obviously going on. Usually the culprit is a UTI or Placenta Previa. I don’t have either. I honestly do not know what it could be, and she is pretty stumped, too. “Are you sure you aren’t feeling any pain?”
I am not worried for my baby. My baby is in the hands of Jesus, and He is going to protect her far better than I ever can. I am a little concerned that I will end up being put on bed rest if it keeps up because any amount of blood is not normal. Please pray with and for me that they can figure out what is going on. I am trying to avoid google so that I don’t convince myself of something horrible. I laid the burden of fear down at the altar weeks ago, and I refuse to allow Satan to convince me to pick it back up. My back hurts too much to carry it anyway!
