There is a song by Natalie Grant called “Hurricane”. I listened to this on a practically daily basis throughout the pregnancy with Harper. I have felt like I was in the midst of a hurricane. Things kept spinning out of control. Every time I would think it was almost over, it would start again.
To be honest, the hurricane is still swirling.
I was listening to it again last week. I am tired of the hurricane. I am exhausted. I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I stumbled onto a video on youtube where Natalie was describing the inspiration for her album. She wrote many of the songs on her album while dealing with post-partum depression.
Depression.
A Christian woman.. a prominent Christian woman dealing with depression.
Her story sounded so familiar to me.
I don’t know that I am suffering from post-partum depression. I don’t “not desire” to care for my baby. I want to take her and hide away with her and lock the rest of the world out. I am suffering from depression that is stemming from not being able to have children anymore. That decision was taken from me. I will never again feel those first kicks of a baby squirming inside of my belly. I will never again get to watch my large uncomfortable stomach flop around from a giant baby kicking me. I will never again spend hours with a bulging stomach in a rocking chair praying for my unborn child. It’s gone…. forever.. and it hurts.
If one more person tells me that I have “enough” I am going to scream.
Even if I have “enough” it hurts. It was the hardest decision that I have ever been faced with. It is a decision that haunts me because I start to doubt.. but, then I think about it and pray about it the way we did before the decision was made. I still reach the same conclusion. If I had chosen to get pregnant again, the seizure disorder most likely would have been worse (as it has become significantly worse with each pregnancy). Even if it hadn’t become WORSE, it would still be present. I would have to be on anti-seizure medication to prevent a seizure. These medications can cause serious damage in the development of the baby’s brain. So, let’s go the other route. I stay off the medication and just hold on for the ride. A seizure can kill an unborn child.
I CAUSE permanent brain damage, or I kill my child. Those are my options..
Then, I get angry. WHY do so many unfit people get to become mothers in an unlimited amount. I am so blessed that I have THREE healthy, beautiful children. I know this. But, it is still so extremely difficult. WHY does this year have to hurt so much. Why can’t we just get some good news..
I have found that finally putting a voice to my pain has helped. I am not holding it in anymore. Honestly, I am still painting a smile on my face. If you read this, then you know the truth, but I don’t feel that everyone else deserves to know my business.. especially since so many people are only asking questions because they are nosy and want something to gossip about.
If you DO read this, please continue praying for me. It is not easy for me to admit that I am struggling. But, I AM STRUGGLING. I am struggling a lot. I am physically exhausted from daily life. I am spiritually exhausted because I am clinging to my faith so hard. I am emotionally exhausted because.. well, I have all of these new found health problems, there is still the lingering possibility of surgery to remove a lump from my breast, my aunt has cancer and is about to go through chemo and radiation, my grandparents are in failing health.. my extended family is hurting.. there is just a lot.
There is still a lot of good, and don’t think that it is lost on me. But, this hurricane has been beating down for 7 months straight. The preparations are wearing down, but I refuse to let them completely break.
GOD IS STILL GOOD!!
