When I wrote my post on Thursday, I was just dealing with some personal things. Frustrations with life and waiting.. September and the “anniversary” of losing our baby always puts me in a funk that is so hard to shake. I grieve for the loss. I grieve for the loss of the babies that I never got to have because of Epilepsy. I just grieve.
When I finished that post, I received a text from someone that I love very much that contained some really terrible news. I am grieving for her and what she found out; for what she is going to continue finding out for many, many years to come. I am heartbroken for her.. for all of them.. It’s NOT about me. I have always been such an emotional person, and I feel the weight of what everyone else is going through, but only to an extent. I cannot imagine what she is feeling.
The next day, while picking up fabric for a Halloween costume, I received a phone call that has shattered my world. A friend was gone. Her life ended in the most shocking way imaginable, and I cannot wrap my mind around it. I just can’t. I loved her. She was incredible and so full of life. She was hilarious and caring.. just amazing. I had just seen her when we were visiting our home church. I was able to give her a huge hug (she gives some of the best) and tell her how happy I was to see her.
When I was pregnant with Addison, we were home for my sister’s wedding. This friend came up to me and said “Oh, I didn’t know you were pregnant again!” I looked at her and said “What are you talking about?”. I should back up. This friend is as sarcastic as they come. Or was, I guess. She liked pranks and all of that fun stuff. She stumbled over her words and a lot of “oh, you’re.. you’re not…” started coming out and I couldn’t contain my laughter. I was 9 months pregnant. Big as a whale pregnant. She couldn’t believe that I did that to her, and cracked up.
So, when I saw her this time, I told her that I was just talking about her and hoping that we were still friends after that. “We are. We are still friends.” I remember telling her that I was glad. But, did I say enough? Gosh. That was our last conversation before she said bye to me after church. I heard Pastor whisper in her ear, “I love you. You know that? You know that I love you?” Why didn’t I tell her that?! Why didn’t I say more? Why did I joke about something stupid.
You NEVER know when it is going to be your last conversation with someone.. This grief is heavy. These regrets hurt. I should have told her how much she meant to me, because now I can’t. I can’t get that back.
I am trying SO HARD to lean on God, as I know that I should. But, it’s hard to not be angry. He is good. He is ALWAYS, ALWAYS good and I KNOW that. But, I don’t understand this. So, I continue praying and crying and trying hard to remember that He walked this earth in the form of a man. He knew all of these hurts and heartaches. He knows.
