When I first started this blog, I wanted it to be upbeat and happy. I wanted to share how much Chloe was growing. It was a way to keep people updated on how things were going.. if our family was growing, etc. But, I also want this blog to be real and honest. Our life is great. I have three beautiful girls that are healthy and happy. I have the most amazing husband who works so hard to provide for our family. But, I feel like we are in a “valley” right now. We have been in a valley for a while.
Things have been a struggle for our family for over a year. Scott’s job.. the ministry here.. the work God has called us to do.. is constantly in question. Not IF he is doing the ministry, but just the fact that our church is really struggling to stay afloat right now. We just keep trying to love on people in our community and show Christ’s love. We pray a lot, too. It is not about the money, or how many activities we can have, or saving the “jobs” of Pastor and Scott. It is about souls… lost people. Our hearts are breaking for the people around us; knowing that they have no hope.
My health has been a struggle this year. I still am sitting at an “undiagnosed seizure disorder”. I had a breast cancer scare. My health is no longer an issue or a worry as long as I don’t have another seizure; and I don’t really think that I will.
I am still struggling with finding what works and doesn’t work to eat. Harper is so sensitive to a lot of foods. Spicy foods make her fussy and hurt her little tummy. Caffeine upsets her tummy. Dairy, eggs, and soy are off limits. She is healthy, and I am so grateful, but I don’t want to cause her pain and discomfort.
There are also the daily frustrations of having a new baby. Not Harper, herself. She is awesome. But, people have no boundaries or filter when a new baby is around. They will talk “to Harper” and tell her the things that I am doing “wrong”. For example, after I fed her at church, Harper was told “Oh, mama gave you more of that stuff that hurts your belly.” They do whatever they want and say whatever they want. They are constantly poking at her and messing with her. They don’t think about how much they are in MY face every day. I have had her taken out of my arms by someone who did not ask if they could hold her. Someone I knew, but it is still not ever ok to take a child out of a mother’s arms without asking. I just feel like no one respects mom’s with babies. We know nothing and everything that we do is wrong. I am just really struggling with that. I love how encouraged I feel after sermons at church, but the crowd of people who won’t let me move and try to tell me what I am doing wrong leaves me feeling completely drained, discouraged, and frustrated.
Every mom already feels inadequate at what she does. Or, maybe it’s just me. I AM ENOUGH. I need to tell myself that daily, and I need to believe it. God created me to do what I am doing. This is my purpose. This is my talent. I love my children fiercely. I am doing exactly what I feel is best for them, and I approach what I do with lots of prayer. I try to not make decisions based upon what I want, but what God wants of me. I am homeschooling Chloe because I feel like that is what God wants of me right now. It is what is best for her. I breast feed Harper in spite of the food allergies because it is still a thousand times better for her than formula (which she would also be allergic to..). Addison is learning at home also. My kids are all healthy. They are happy. They are LOVED. I am enough for them…
Even though we feel like we keep sinking into valley’s, God is still enough for us. That is the most important thing of all. He loves me even when I feel inadequate and mess up. He loves my children even when they are rotten and feisty. God is enough.
