Some days just feel really dark. They are a struggle to get through. It feels like there is no hope at all.
Today is one of those difficult days. Let me start by saying that when I have a newborn, I just want to hide away with them and not share them with anyone. I want to really relish in every moment of their infancy, because it goes by SO fast. They depend on me. They rely on me. They appreciate me. I love my church family, but bringing a new baby into a church is almost full of torture. Everyone immediately surrounds you and gets in your face. It is impossible to move. There is nowhere to hide. It is a struggle for me.
This is how I feel in life right now. I am stuck; unable to move. There are days where tears just stream down my face for seemingly no reason at all. I feel like no one cares. There have been many days where my own husband has looked at me when there are hot tears running down my face. He doesn’t even notice. This leaves me feeling even more uncared for.
Since the day he went back to work (Harper was 1 week old) I went back to my usual duties. I have kept up with keeping the house clean (vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, dishes, etc.) The only thing I fall behind on is laundry. Our laundry area is in the basement, and our main living area is upstairs. I don’t trust leaving the big girls alone with Harper to throw loads in, so that usually gets caught up on during the weekends with the help of Scott. I just feel like no one truly appreciates any of it. I work hard to prepare meals with foods that Chloe and Addison love, and they refuse to eat and complain that they don’t like it.
Today, I got Harper and myself all dressed and to the church. She started to fuss just as the message started, but I thought she would fall asleep. I left ALL of our stuff and I stepped into the hall with her so that she did not disturb anyone and “rocked” her in my arms. She started acting hungry. Since I left my nursing cover, I went into my husband’s office to feed her where no one could see. Once she finished eating, she projectile vomited all over herself, me, and Scott’s floor. I cleaned it up with toilet paper (that’s all there was around..) and asked Addison’s teacher to pass the message on to Scott that I was going home. I was totally soaked and did not have my phone or a change of clothes for Harper.
During the big girls’ supposed nap time, Addison would not go to sleep. I went in to check on her and she had painted the walls with her POOP. EVERYWHERE!!! I made her start cleaning up the walls while I got some more supplies. Scott came upstairs and started helping. 30 or so minutes later, the poop was finally scrubbed off of the walls and cleaned up of the floor. Her walls are stained because this is not the first (or second, or third, or fourth…) time that she has done this… Chloe screamed and threw a fit the whole time she was in her room because I would not let her play with my iPad or paint in her room.
I didn’t get much sleep last night, and that is probably adding to this darkness that I feel surrounding me. I love my life. I love my three girls. I love my husband. I just feel like none of it is returned. I don’t know why. Not every day is this way. In fact, most days I feel vibrant and as full of life as a mom with a newborn and two toddlers can feel. Some days just get dark and begin to feel hopeless.. and I just wish that someone would notice that I feel like I am drowning… especially the one who is supposed to really SEE me.
I know that none of this is true. There is always hope in Jesus. This darkness will not win. I refuse to be overtaken by it. One these dark days, I fight my way back to the light. I don’t let it get the best of me. My girls are such beautiful, vivacious, and bubbly beings. They are my world. My husband is hard-working man who loves Jesus and wants to share the gospel with the world. My God is a God who saves me and shows me grace even though I am so unworthy.
It’s ok to have dark days. It is not easy to have them, but it is ok. I feel like everyone thinks there is shame in struggle. I find my strength when I struggle. Never let the dark days win. If you are struggling, it means you have something to fight for. Keep fighting. Keep seeing all of the blessings around you.
