Yesterday, I had been on the Auto-immune protocol diet for a little over 3 weeks. I was close to getting to reintroduce foods to my diet and find my triggers. My thyroid size had shrunk down significantly; so much that people had noticed. It was hard. You are making everything fresh and from plant-based ingredients and animal proteins. It requires a LOT of work and preparation. In my case, it required a lot of tears and frustration also.

Yesterday, we had a smooth Sunday. I know, daylight savings time and smooth don’t go together!! Well, I prepared. Neither of the girls had napped on Saturday, so we got them ready for bed and put them down early. They fell asleep early, and woke up at just the right time to get ready for church. Other than Harper, who slept in late even if the time hadn’t changed. No big deal. I just got her ready and took her to the church and fed her there. I was feeling relaxed and not at all my usual annoyed state. Let’s face it, Sundays are hard when you have a family to get ready. Throw in the fact that you are in ministry and everyone is watching you, and Sunday’s can be downright miserable some days. I’m just being real here. I wouldn’t trade ministry for the world, but it is tough.

Anyway, I noticed during Sunday school that I felt like my heart was beating faster than usual. No big deal. I had just climbed a tall flight of stairs to get to the Loft. I went down for choir practice and was feeling completely out of breath. I had to run back up to the loft to get something for Pastor, and when I came back and I really was not feeling right. I am in the praise team, so while standing there singing I kept feeling like I was going to faint. There are really hot lights shining on the stage, and we were singing. I rapidly kept feeling worse. As soon as I was off stage I grabbed Scott and pulled him outside. I asked him to feel my heart, which now could be SEEN beating rapidly. He made me sit down and waited a little while to take my pulse. It was 122. He told me to go to his office and just relax. I started feeling a little better. Once church was over, I went to meet up with Scott. I got caught talking to people and as I was standing there I started feeling really terrible. We went home and Scott got the girls lunch while I laid on the couch.

I remembered that symptoms of a heart attack are different in women. I looked them up because I couldn’t remember all of them. I started to worry because I had most of the symptoms. I asked Scott if he could take me to the ER just to be safe. My heart rate is always kind of low, and there was no reason for me to be so short of breath just laying around on the couch. We got a sitter and went. At the ER they put a monitor on my finger and saw that my heart rate was 110. They got me back really quickly and did an EKG and put in IV in. They did blood work and started running tests. they put me in my own room with a private bathroom, which was super except they hooked me up to a heart monitor and I was stuck in the bed for the nearly 5 hours that I was there. I told the doctor about having chronic thyroid disease, epilepsy, and having a small PFO, even though I figured that it really didn’t matter. She looked into the diet and went to check my thyroid levels.

Long story long.. my body was basically in starvation mode. She said that she applauded me for the dedication that it took to do a diet like that, but that it was not in my best interest right now because I am still breast feeding Harper. So, tomorrow I follow up with my doctor and find out what I am supposed to do now.

My thyroid works just fine according to blood work, but like the doctor said, my levels can just be fine and my thyroid is working in overdrive to keep it that way; hence the swelling. I am not sure what to do next. If I just let it go until I am done nursing, then that is at least 4 months of constant inflammation; increasing the risk of cancer developing. If I start taking medicine, then it’s over. I can’t go back. If I just have them remove it, then there are no options available.

I am so frustrated right now. I try so hard to take care of this body, and it feels like it just keeps blowing up in my face. A friend told me over the weekend, “Don’t quit. You know you have an enemy who wants to take your life. Don’t quit.” Satan is trying to destroy me. He is fighting so hard, and some days I feel like he is winning. I won’t let him. Please pray that I can have wisdom to know what the best choice will be, and that I can have peace with whatever that is…

Also, tomorrow is a huge day for my family and the situation that I asked that you pray about before… please continue praying.

Do you have days where you feel like you have reached the end of your rope? Life just keeps piling things on top of you until you feel like you are about to break. That is where I am. You know my health issues. My aunt is still going through chemo to battle stage 4 lymphoma. My uncle is home recovering after a stroke that should have taken his life. It didn’t do that, but it was supposed to take his ability to walk. Well, it didn’t take that either. He is walking with a cane, and learning how to read and write again. That is great. There is another thing though. Something that I cannot talk about yet. Something that is weighing so heavily on me that I am having to force myself to eat because I just feel sick to my stomach.

This thing is weighing down on my shoulders so heavily. This thing is making me angry. I am trying so hard to walk in victory, because Jesus paid it all. This load is NOT mine to carry. But, it’s a hard one.. I ask that if you are reading this, that you just pray. God knows exactly what is going on; that is what matters. Please pray for strength. Just, please pray.

Brand new to 6 months (5 month picture missing)

And just like that…

She is 7 months old

How did we get here?! Wasn’t she just a brand new tiny bundle of baby?

This little girl has so much personality. She eats 3 full meals a day of baby foods. When I wipe her face off after, she grabs the baby wipe from my hand, lifts it above her head, tears it in half, and starts chewing on one half while smacking the other half on the tray. She scoots around all over the house, but only in reverse or sideways. She has yet to figure out how to move herself forward. She is so close to crawling, and so frustrated that she can’t figure it out!

This little stinker is sitting up all by herself now. In fact, today I laid her on the floor and went to get a drink. When I turned around she was sitting up staring at me. I don’t even know how that happened. I just kept giggling, because it was so funny. She was grinning from ear to ear. So proud.

Her little life is just flying by. I am trying so desperately to cling to every day with her; while clinging to every day with Chloe and Addi.

Their lives are flying by, too. Chloe will be FIVE this year!!! Kindergarten age. It breaks my heart to see them getting so old, but I am really proud of how smart and independent they are.

Hug your babies. Hold them often. You can’t spoil a baby. That is nonsense. CLING to every day with them, because it flies by so darn fast that you look back and wonder where the months and days have gone.

I am on day 4 of the AIP “diet”. I hate calling it a diet, because I can eat as much as I want, but only certain foods.. very, very few foods.

Things I have learned:
1. Kale chips are NOT as good as potato chips.
2. Preparation is key.
3. I WANT SOME BROWNIES!!!!!!
4. I get cranky when I can only eat vegetables and meat.
5. Sometimes the idea of spending $3 a month on medicine sounds much better than this.

Ugh.. I can tell it’s working though. My thyroid is no longer uncomfortably large.. it’s just large. I have lost 4 pounds. I eat all day, so I don’t want anyone thinking that I am starving myself. I am still breast feeding and she is my #1 priority. I am making sure to eat healthy fats to keep up with her. I downed an entire batch of kale chips one day.. except the two pieces that my husband choked down (literally). I ate a batch of sweet potato fries yesterday with some seriously garlicy “mayo” dip.

I miss food… I really, really miss eating GOOD food. This is certainly not for the faint of heart.. and I am starting to feel faint. Everything in me wants to just forget this idea.. I am a busy mom of three kids literally making EVERYTHING from scratch. I spend all day prepping food, doing dishes, and feeding children. I was home Sunday with two sick ones, and did a lot of prep while Harper napped and Addi rested on the couch so that I could have some extra time today to weep into my bowl of “porridge”. Sigh….

I think I can…

Yesterday, I made an appointment to see my doctor. I asked her if they would allow me a couple of months to change my entire diet and see if I can FIX my thyroid, instead of just automatically destroy it. She said that she didn’t know if it would work, but also didn’t know if the medicine would work, so I was given a month. One month to at least shrink my thyroid a tiny bit.. One last chance to save a tiny piece of my body that keeps the rest of it functioning..

So, this is the plan. The Autoimmune Paleo Diet. It will be gluten free.. and fun free. I am not looking forward to it. I want to scream and cry because I am struggling with anger. I am angry that I even have to deal with this. I don’t want to have to deal with health problems anymore. I am sick of it. I am angry.. and I am trying so hard to fight it..

Anyway, wish me luck and send many prayers that this will work. It’s extreme. I know that. But, destroying parts of your body is pretty extreme, too.

I just watched the Hallmark Valentine’s Day commercial. They asked couples to say how they felt about each other without using the word “love”. It got me thinking. I say “I love you” to my family. Often. But, what does that mean? What do I love about them. Allow me a sappy posed dedicated to my husband and children. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. 😉

Scott, you are the greatest earthly treasure that God has given me. You unconditionally care for me. You are such a servant to everyone around you. You work hard to help out any time that you see a need, even if you are feeling rushed and overwhelmed. You work so hard to provide for our family, and you do an amazing job at it. You are an amazing father; willing to go the extra step for our girls. They cherish you, and can’t wait for you to walk in the door at the end of each day. You are a man of God; unafraid to stand for what He has commanded of you. You lead our family, even when it’s hard. You make me feel safe and secure, and do everything in your power to protect us. Thank you for being you.

Chloe, my first born. You are the beautiful little girl who made me a mommy. You are such an amazing gift of God. You have a smile that lights up a room. You’re so full of life and energy. You are kind, loving, compassionate, and strong. You are so intelligent, and constantly blow me away with how smart you are. You love to learn. You challenge me daily to live the way that I am supposed to. You are a reflection of my heart. You love all things girly; tutus, tiaras, and nail polish. I enjoy spending time alone with you, getting to hear your heart and dreams. You are an amazing big sister, and help out so much. Never, ever doubt that you are a LOVED little girl.

Addison, you were such a surprise when you came into our lives. One of the best surprises!!! You are beautiful, strong, and independent. You are outgoing and never meet a stranger. Your smile is infections and everyone around you can’t help but smile along. Your love of ponies and not wearing pants is so entertaining. 🙂 You are bright and silly. You are so affectionate and I never doubt that you love all of us. You tell us every day; multiple times a day. You love music and laughing. I am so blessed to be your mommy.

Harper, oh Harper. You have only been in our lives a short time, but I couldn’t imagine life without you. You are always smiling, and silly. You daily remind me what a gift life is. I can already see how wonderful of a personality that you will have as you grow. You are beautiful and full of joy every day. You are hard-working.. I mean, you are working your little tushy off to crawl. 🙂

I am such a blessed person to have this beautiful family. Valentine’s day might be just a silly holiday, but I thoroughly enjoy having this silly holiday to reflect on WHY I love the people around me!

Today is wear red day. Red ribbons everywhere this month for heart health awareness. Heart disease is the #1 killer of both men and women. I was out shopping today… Do you know how many red ribbon items that I saw? ZILCH! I saw plenty of pink ribbons. Don’t get me wrong, breast cancer awareness is important. But, I also feel that we are AWARE of it. They have made great strides in treating and curing breast cancer.

As I sport my red socks, shirts, buttons, and red dress pins, I can’t help but think of my new ribbons to sport. Purple for epilepsy awareness. I feel silly sporting one because there are people with FAR worse epilepsy.. they would probably laugh at my diagnosis. That’s cool. I can deal with that. I would probably laugh, too, if I was having to have brain surgery to control my seizures. Epilepsy is part of me now, though.

Yesterday, I was diagnosed with chronic thyroid disease. I think that’s a blue or teal ribbon? I’m not 100% sure. I’ll figure it out. January was thyroid disease awareness month apparently. Apparently, I had some thyroid disease that went untreated that has caused permanent damage.. which irritates me because they have been testing it for FOUR years, and never finding anything. WHEN did the damage happen?! If they let it go, my thyroid would continue to swell until damage to my vocal cords, trachea, etc. would happen. And, eventually, my thyroid would just quit working all together.

They are going to be shutting my thyroid down. I will have to have blood work done every few months over the next year to make sure that my levels continue to drop. I will be taking hormones on top of my currently functioning thyroid producing them, so I will end up having symptoms of hyperthyroidism. She warned me that I may feel really off for a while. Eventually, my thyroid will stop producing, and hopefully shrink down. I’ll have an ultrasound done in 6 months to be sure of this. If it does not shrink, then I will have to have my thyroid completely removed.

She was shocked that all of my previous ultrasounds have come back normal because it is so damaged. I think that my eyes almost fell out of my head when she was telling me all of this. I still realize that it could be so much worse, but it’s still so frustrating. I try really hard to take care of myself. I am 26 years old. I have worked so hard to get a head start on heart disease and diabetes. I never thought that my brain and thyroid would take me down on the way.

I supposed that I will just have a rainbow of ribbons that I wear. I don’t want this to define me. I am so much more than these diseases, but for now, they are just about all that I can think about. I didn’t fall asleep until almost 2 AM last night.

Today, though, is all about RED ribbons!!! Go to the American Heart Association and educate yourself on how to avoid this horrible disease. Learn the warning signs of a heart attack and stroke! They could save your life, or the life of someone that you love!

This week has been exhausting, and it’s only Wednesday. Yesterday, I had my neurologist’s appointment. I was cleared to drive. FINALLY!!!! After 9 months of no freedom, I finally have it.. sort of. haha!

I asked questions. I have complex partial seizures and something about tonic-clonic blady-blah. So yeah, I have bad seizures that come with a warning sign. I asked him if that means that I have epilepsy. He kind of laughed and said “Well, there is no difference.” I have epilepsy, but I have only had one epileptic seizure because it was caught after that and since it is being treated, I hopefully will never have another one. However, because of the fact that I have only had one, he was able to write that I just have “seizure” on my form to clear me to drive. So, one diagnosis of a disease that is treatable.

I got home and was super jazzed about finally having some answers. It has set in some more today and I am not quite as “It’s cool. I have epilepsy, but it’s not a big deal.” anymore, but mostly feeling that way.

My PCP called me about my thyroid results. I missed the call because I didn’t hear my phone. I listened to a message that said “I just wanted to let you know that we got your test results in, and if you could call me at your earliest convenience to discuss them..” Usually she throws in an “everything is fine”, but not this time. I was kind of freaking out and called her right back. She said that my thyroid is extremely enlarged and she wants to do some antibody blood tests to see if I have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. It’s an autoimmune disease where my body would basically be attacking my thyroid thinking that it is a foreign object. The condition itself isn’t BAD unless if they can’t control it. It could lead to hypothyroidism, and could result in my thyroid having to be removed. I cried a lot after it sunk in some more.

This is where the “not as it’s cool” about it comes in.. Yes, both diseases are very treatable. People keep saying “Oh, that’s so treatable. No big deal.” TREAT-able. I don’t want to get dramatic about it and act like I am dying. I am not. It could be SO much worse. However, IF I am diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, that is two life-altering diseases that cannot be cured. I am twenty-six years old and already have on incurable disease, and possibly a second.. all diagnosed at once. I can’t be cured, and that feels heavy… really, really heavy. I know that I am blessed. I am SO, SO blessed.

My epilepsy is under control. I AM able to drive, and I know others with epilepsy who cannot drive because their seizures are still out of control.

I have a beautiful family, and amazing friends.

Hashimoto’s is not a guaranteed thing, so I am not putting the cart before the horse on that one. I am just trying to prepare myself for the possibility. I almost hope that it is, because otherwise, why on earth is my thyroid gigantic?! There are no tumors or nodules to be concerned about (Thank you, Lord!!) but why is it huge. I have been noticing that swallowing feels different. Almost like a pill is stuck and won’t go down at times. I have been struggling to swallow my giant pills that I have to take twice a day, but didn’t really think anything of it. I just thought my throat was rebelling because it was tired of them. lol!

So, please, please pray that they can find answers quickly. I don’t want to wait forever for the results. It was two months ago that the first “normal” blood tests were done for my thyroid, so I am ready to have answers.

February is shaping up to be wild and busy.

Our stroller arrived the day after I ordered it!! I love it. It is super smooth, turns really easily, and is cute to look at. Scott was AMAZED at how easily it folds up. He kept saying “wow” and laughing because he was THAT impressed. I told him that I did my research. I spent a lot of time reading reviews and looking at the features, etc. Figures that we had a ridiculous amount of snow dumped on us Sunday and now we are snowed in. Oh, well. Michigan…….

I had an ultrasound done on my thyroid last Thursday. They told me it would take 3-5 days to get the results in. I wasn’t really worried because I have had an ultrasound done before of it, and it was just fine. But, after the lady was done and about to walk me out, she asked if my mom had to have her thyroid removed. When I told her that part of it was removed, she just said “huh” and walked me out.. now I am kind of worried that she saw something strange.

Tomorrow is my neurology appointment. I am hoping to either get a diagnosis other than “un-diagnosed seizure disorder”, or be cleared to drive. I looked up some information and from what I have read, the seizure in May was a grand mal. I was never told what kind I had, and there are A LOT of different types. A lot of people have just one grand mal and never experience another. I am preparing myself to ask questions this time. What type did I have? If the last EEG didn’t show any problems, why do I have to continue taking medication? If you are going to make me continue taking medication, why don’t you diagnose me with epilepsy? Because, really, that is the only reason that I should be kept on meds for the rest of my life…. I am annoyed and angry that this doctor has never been willing to answer questions and never remembers what he told me the last time he saw me. Don’t tell me that it is my choice on whether to take the meds or not, then chastise me for not always remembering to take it twice a day.

My family members also have some very important appointments coming up that could reveal scary things. I am not going to spill their secrets, but please keep them in your prayers. God knows who and what I am referring to, and that is all that matters.

We have an I love my church banquet this month at a restaurant far away from our house. I am feeling pretty frustrated, because as a staff wife, I am expected to be there. I understand that. However, the cost is pretty high for each person, and I cannot eat any of the food that they are offering us. I also only know people IN OUR CHURCH, so the only option is a teenager who is not going to the banquet. Now, I love my teens. I trust them to watch my kids. I am not comfortable with being 30+ minutes away while they watch my kids at a house where creeps are constantly knocking on our door asking for money. It’s hard to not grow increasingly irritated when everyone just expects us to be able to have someone watch our kids. We don’t have family nearby. The only people we know will be at the banquet, or SHOULD be.. AND, it’s a school night and do not agree with keeping someone at our house really late.. especially when they all live FAR away from us and will get home extra late.

Anyway…

I am obviously feeling incredibly cranky today… stupid groundhog..

I hate winter.

That title scared you, didn’t it?

I finally pulled the trigger and purchased a stroller! Thank you, Jamberry for making it possible!!!

My awesome sister pointed out that on Amazon, there was a baby jogger stroller that came with a $50 amazon gift card. Amazon and I have a love thing going, so sign me up!! The reviews for this stroller were pretty much the same as the others, and it was less expensive and a little more light weight. Here she is:

She is the the baby jogger city lite and I am so glad that I bought her yesterday, because I am noticing that the $50 card is no longer available in the special offers. Phew!!!!!

Thank you, Amanda!!!