I feel like all I do on here is share quotes and talk about my health or my kids’ health or my family’s health. These are all of the things consuming my life. They are front and center every day here. We are constantly worrying about “diet” and what is safe and healthy to eat. What is going to keep someone from getting sick.. not not just a sniffly cold.. but potentially lead to life threatening reactions. We are still waiting on the phone to ring with an allergist appointment. We are still waiting for the endocrinologist to call with results so that I can move on to the next step. COME ON PHONE!! RING!!!!!!

source

I can’t say that I am thankful yet. I really can’t. IN all things give thanks.. (1 Thess. 5:18) I can’t say that I am thankful FOR what is happening. It is like trying to walk through water with the current against you. We are trudging along figuring out how to live with what we have been dealt. Unfortunately, my diseases and Harper’s food allergy will never “pass”. Harper may outgrow her food allergies, and I PRAY that she does. My diseases are for life. We can’t ever really get to a point where we can say that it is behind us. We can get to a point where we can manage it all. WE WILL get to a point where we feel “normal” again. I believe that.

I know that God has a plan in all of this. I am praying that I will be able to help someone who starts down a similar journey. I pray that God gives me the strength to survive this (NO, it’s not going to kill me.. but I feel like it will). I pray that I find my true strength and use all of this for HIS glory.

I pray that I can find myself again. I feel like Ashley has gotten lost somewhere along the way, and I want her to come back. She is going to look different. She is going to be different. But, she will be strong.

We had such a lovely weekend. I have been begging Scott forever to go on a trip. “Just ONE night away. PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE! We need to do something fun.” He told me a month ago that he was planning to take us all somewhere for my birthday. A friday/saturday away from our house and the demands that come with it. It was lovely.

We went on Friday over to the Lake Michigan side of the sate. We have seen Lake Erie (which was dirty and gross..) and Lake Huron (seriously gorgeous) but not Lake Michigan from this side. We have seen it from Chicago is all. We drove and got confused and took some back roads. I love driving around with my family. The girls are usually really good in the car, and it’s the only tie that Scott and I get to spend together and TALK to each other.

Our first stop was Lake Michigan. We drove west and figured that as long as we headed that way, we would find beach. We found a small park. There was a huge sand hill to climb, or a million stairs to walk up. Chloe and I walked up the sand part and Scott walked the stairs with Addi and Harper. When we reached the top, I had to catch my breath. Not only from the climb, but the view…

I mean.. look at that. It was beautiful. It was a little hazy and cloudy, but SO amazing. I love water. I love seeing NOTHING on the horizon except the beauty that God created.

I love having my feet in the sand. The water was pretty darn cold, but I didn’t care. It truly is my happy place.

Next stop was our hotel so that the girls could swim. We swam for the evening and then went to bed.. or went to the room to deal with 2/3 kids screaming ALL. NIGHT. LONG. It was a terrible night, but Scott and I have decided to ignore that part of our trip. We had a blast both days, so who cares that we barely slept.

Saturday morning we headed to the tulip festival.

Sooo many tulips. There are so many colors and types of tulips that I didn’t even know existed. The whole town was covered in tulip gardens and carnival games and food. We decided to just go to the tulip fields so that we could see the flowers without dealing with the crowds and smells off food that I can’t eat. (HA!)

The girls loved it, and didn’t even try to pick any flowers. They have been obsessed with bringing me handfuls of dandelions. They wanted to bring some on our trip, and I told them that we would see lots of flowers where we were going. Their little minds were blown.

After walking through the fields of tulips, we headed to the zoo. Harper’s first trip! This was our first time at the zoo with the girls old enough to really understand the animals and enjoy the exhibits. It had been drizzling all morning, but stopped when we got to the zoo. It was cool weather and the animals were all really active. Perfection.

We are back to reality now, and were smacked in the face with it first thing Sunday morning. We were blindsided by a few things that left us feeling frustrated, but we are trying to cling to our good memories from the weekend. We need to do it more often. Not a hotel stay, but we live in this BEAUTIFUL and amazing state with free beaches and parks everywhere. We need to take advantage of it.

I hope that everyone had an excellent weekend, and a happy mother’s day! I got to double dip and enjoy Mom’s day and my birthday at the grocery store alone. haha!

I am one year seizure free!! I am celebrating surviving the worst year of my life. I am choosing the word celebrate. You see, God has been trying to teach me something. I have prayed “God, please grow my faith.” Then, every time something happens, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!

Let’s recap. May 8th, 2014 I woke up early. I woke up healthy and normal. We had Joe and Dave coming over to work on Harper’s bedroom. I made coffee for them, as I did every morning. I got cold bottles of water out and ready for them to immediately start drinking. They showed up and went right to work. I played with the girls inside. Scott came home with lunch for all 6 of us (7 if we want to count Harper). We ate lunch and shared many laughs. Dave and Joe are two of the kindest men on the planet. They are funny and TRULY a joy to be around. I put Addison down for a nap (yes, she napped through the noise!) and sent Chloe to her room to play quietly. I think that I may have studied for my final that I was supposed to have that night. I’m not completely sure.

When the girls woke up, it was a WARM and sunny day. I got them dressed and we went out in the yard to play. Scott came back to mow our yard. Joe and Dave finished up for the day and were getting ready to head home. Dave told me a hilarious story about something he had done back when he was working at his old job. Both Joe and Dave are retired workers from a big company here in town. I could not stop laughing and told him that he reminded me of my dad. Ornery.

Dave left and I went back to playing with my girls. I started to feel off. I held on to the slide and waited for things to pass, as they always did. The next thing that I remember is waking up with a paramedic asking me if I knew where I was. I have told this story, so I won’t rehash it. I am sure it gets old. To me, I remember new details from the day all the time. It’s wild. During my hospital stay it was confirmed that I had a seizure. I also was informed that I have a hole in my heart.

Let’s just fast forward to May 10. My birthday. The day I was finally getting released from the hospital. I was informed that I would not be able to drive for at least 6 months. I thought, “Ok. I can do this. I just have to let go of my need for control. I can rely on other people.” Now, relying on other people is not really a strong suit of mine. I am a bit of a control freak. I like to take care of myself. I don’t want others having to take care of me; even if that includes driving me to the doctor’s office.

It was difficult, but I learned to rely on others. Sometimes it’s ok to let other people help you. It’s ok to ask for help; to need help.

Let’s fast forward again to October 2014. My mom told me that my Aunt Nancy probably had cancer, but was being stubborn. Typical.. well, relative of mine! We are all stubborn. Aunt Nancy finally went. It’s bad. She has stage 4 lymphoma, but the doctors are confident that they can get it into remission as long as they start treatment quickly. Awesome. Remission is good. No cancer is better, but for her to be able to live is great. I remember being scared. But, the doctors can handle it.

Fast forward again to November. I see a facebook post that my Uncle Gene has been rushed to the hospital. He may have had a stroke. I call my mom and ask her if she knew. My brave and courageous mom. The woman who I TRULY look up to and lean on. I wanted to make sure that she had been made aware since I had only seen on facebook that he was going to the hospital. A few facebook messages and I learn that they think he may have had a stroke. My mom tells me that she knew. Then, I hear her start crying. My mom has been so strong. Her sister was diagnosed with terrible cancer. Now, her sister’s husband is facing death. His stroke was bad. They said he shouldn’t have survived. They said that he would never walk again and that the only reason he is still able to speak is because he is left handed (The only word that he could say at the time was “yep”). It kept part of his brain strong enough. He was facing brain surgery to relieve some of the pressure that was building from the swelling.

I was driven to my knees… finally relying on God… not others, not doctors. God. God, please save him. Only you can heal him. The doctors think he is going to die. I remember going to the alter the following Sunday and crying out to God.

My knees were not good enough.

Fast forward to February. One doctor visit. Yep, you have epilepsy. Two doctor visits. Yep, you have a chronic mystery disease; possibly autiummune. Your body is attacking itself, but we just aren’t sure. “God, what on earth are you doing?! When is this ever going to let up?! IT HURTS!”

Fast forward again to March. My dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. CANCER. Yes, it’s “only” prostate cancer. Yes, it is easily treatable. Yes, it has not spread to his bones, etc. But, cancer still cuts like a knife. Cancer doesn’t care who or what it destroys. It hurts to know that this strong man that I look up to; that took me on countless fishing trips has this disease living inside of him.

This time, I was knocked on my face before God. Do you get it yet? My faith HAS to grow. Growth hurts. It hurts more than you can describe. Do you remember when you were young, and had growing pains? I do! My legs would throb. It hurt so bad. But, I am bigger and stronger for it. I can’t pray for grown faith when I am not willing to take the pain that comes with it. Life hurts. Life hurts a lot. It’s not easy. Sometimes it just downright STINKS. But, life is beautiful. There have been so many blessings and lessons to come from the last PAINFUL year. It is still painful, please don’t think that it’s not. I am still hurting. I still cry every time I am in the car alone. I cry when no one is looking. It is hard. But, I have learned to have faith. I have learned to fall on my face before God. He is holy and mighty and has never, ever let me down before.

The front of our house looks U-G-L-Y. The wind blows pretty harshly around here. It has caused some of the siding on the front of our house to get ripped off. The front porch has never been taken care of, so the wood looks really rough. The house numbers were falling off when we moved in. The screen door is rusted and won’t stay shut, and the main door is equally stained and gross looking.

I bought new house numbers “in case” we had an emergency at any point. Ironic.. never thought we’d need them. I try to keep new tiny trees from growing up through the porch. I would love to plant a small garden in the front to make it look more homey and less like a rough neighborhood home. My next project though: FRONT DOOR PAINT! I want to paint our door SOOOOOO badly. Our house is white without shutters, so options are REALLY open.

I have been searching pinterest for colors. I have wanted red for a LONG time, but the more I see turquoise, the more I want it. I also love the yellow, but have a friend with a yellow door. I don’t like to do things that others do. Others that I know anyway, otherwise I couldn’t get anything done. :p

IMAGE SOURCE

I guess I need help. What do you think? Any kind of turquoise/aqua color is so refreshing to me. It is such a happy color, but will it look stupid in the fall? Yes, I think about these things… Red is classic. You can’t really go wrong with it. But, it’s done a lot. I like to be the black sheep.

HELP!

I cannot wait for this weekend!! My birthday and Mother’s Day are on the same day this year, which is kind of fun. I don’t get excited about birthdays. I don’t mind ageing, I just don’t find my birthday to be a big deal. Last year was really memorable and fun. I was released from the hospital in the middle of the day. I came home and my mom had made decorations with the girls, and they were hanging all over the house. She made a cake with them. It was so adorable and sweet, and I will never forget it. Then, mom and dad watched the girls during dinner so that Scott and I could go out on a date. We went to a new Japanese steakhouse that we had been dying to try. It was terrible. But, we laugh about it a lot. Now, we don’t have to wonder if it is good anymore. :p

Anyway, THIS weekend! Scott is taking us over to the Lake Michigan side of the state. There is a big Tulip Festival that happens in this little down. I love tulips. They just look happy. The weather is supposed to be warm and beautiful. We have never seen Lake Michigan from Michigan; only Chicago. It is apparently super clear right now because of the winter freeze that happened. I can’t wait to just get away and enjoy some time as a family.

We will be back for church on Sunday, and I don’t really know what we will do. I know that I get to test out a gluten, dairy, all good things free cake recipe. Hopefully I can find something yummy. 😉 I am DYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYING for some cake. I saw a company that makes allergen free cheesecake, and I am going to buy alllll the cheesecakes. Not really.. maybe one.

Speaking of Allergies:

I am really digging deep into learning about these allergies as Harper is the age where she can eat some table foods. I want to keep her safe… and locked up in a bubble the more I read. I can’t lock her away. I can’t stop her from living. I can do everything possible to keep her safe though. 🙂

I was looking through my old notes on facebook. Did you even remember that they were there? ha! I found this old post that I had done. I said that I wanted to write a devotional book. This was installment #1.

“And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience and patience experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed…”
Romans 5:3-5a

As I was walking around the campus of Baptist Bible College a few months after the Ice Storm in 2007, I noticed something that was miraculous. The trees were beginning to bloom. The miraculous thing is that these weren’t just any trees. These trees had endured some tough times. Not only did the ice storm take a beating on them, they had most of their limbs cut off. Yet, still, they were beginning to bloom once again; maybe even more beautiful than in the past. Many times life tends to be like this. We get beat on and sail some rough seas. We tend to think that it is the end of the world, but then we notice that once the trials are over, we begin to grow once again. Sometimes we need this pruning in order for us to grow to our full potential. We may not be able to see it now, but it is definitely there.

I think that this is so fitting for where I am in life right now. I feel like those trees. I can still remember so vividly how horrible they looked. It looked like someone had thrown giant matchsticks into the ground. There were no branches left. The winter had ripped them to shreds.

I truly have been feeling like my “limbs” have been violently ripped off. Life has been beating down and I am just standing here feeling like I can’t possible move on from all of this. It feels like the end of the world, but I know that it is not. I can’t wait to see what God will make of all of this. I am willing. I am ready. I want to grow and use all of these trials for HIS glory.

I am strapped for time. My workload is HEAVY. My body is growing weary. But, this truth struck me hard….

Oh, Lord, remove worry from me. I have allowed it to control me for far too long.

I was searching Pinterest for ideas for a MOPS craft. Gotta love Pinterest. I found this tutorial for name tag necklaces. They are beautiful.

I decided to make them, only alter them a little. I loved the natural looking wood with the burnt edges, so I didn’t paint mine.

I used regular scotch tape to tape off the angled part where I want to put the glitter.

I painted a thin layer of Martha Stewart’s glitter glue on the tip of the feather. Make sure that you get every part covered, or you may have a bare spot on your feathers.

Sprinkle your glitter all over the feather tips. I decided to go with silver, gold, and a sort of rose gold color. Something for everyone.

Immediately take off the tape, being careful to not smudge your wet glue and glitter.

Once your glue is completely dry, line up your feathers and spray them with your glitter sealer. This stuff is awesome!!

Here is my finished project. I bought some oil based paint markers for each mom to write her name on her feather. They still bled a little, so I am not sure if there is a way to seal the wood to keep the markers from bleeding. I haven’t tried anything like that yet.

Here are the supplies that I used for these necklaces:

Wooden Feathers
Glitter Glue
Glitter
Glitter Sealer
Necklace String

I plan to find some pretty beads for each mom to decorate her necklace with as well. Would you add anything else to them? I can’t decide if they are too plain, or just pretty and simple.

This is going to be a wild few weeks!!

I finally get to see an endocrinologist next week! Hooray!! Please pray that he can figure something out for me. Also, I read his health grades and they were no bueno.. pray that he isn’t as big of a jerk as those people say.. Yikes!!!

I ate something bad yesterday and had such horrible back pain last night and my thyroid is gigantic again today. I think that I am going to have to do something more than just a diet change. I love to know that I am eating right, so I will keep going with this lifestyle change, but I think something else is going to have to happen. My heart keeps racing and when I stand up I feel like I am going to pass out. I keep getting REALLY hot and can’t cool off. I feel like I am going crazy. Maybe I am. 😛

Our first MOPS meeting is a week from tomorrow. I have one helper for MOPPETS and one who is willing to help wherever she is needed. There have been flyers handed out at a few schools, so I am freaking out a little about not having enough people to help me out. I want to be prepared for the huge things that God can do!!!

Thursday I have a theology final, and am trying to work on making up classes that I missed during our vacation.

I was planning to have a yard sale this weekend, but I am not sure if I will be able to with all that is going on this week and next week. I have lots and lots to prepare and study, and still have to do school with Chloe, cook, clean, etc. Whew. I am glad that I can drink coffee without any issues. haha!

I hope that your Monday is much less dreary than it is here!

**Chloe lost her first tooth yesterday!!**

What’s your name?
Chloe

How old are you?
four

What’s your favorite thing to do?
I think it’s kind of like getting a barbies.

What is your favorite book?
um…. Barbie book

What is your favorite animal?
umm… unicorns and I like mermaids, too. Mermaids can swim! I like hippos, unicorns, horses, mermaids and barbies.

What do you like to watch on TV?
Umm.. Team Ummizoomi

What is your favorite song?
Overcomer

What does daddy do at work?
Umm.. work.

What do you want for your birthday?
What about a new barbie with legos. Girl legos and new blocks that have pink and red because I don’t have any red blocks. So, and I want a sword so I can be a pirate and I want a dress so I can be a beautiful princess just like this beautiful princess. But, if my tooth is loose someone can get it out.

What’s your favorite color?
umm purple

Where is your favorite place to go?
Um to the mall!

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Um What about a princess.

Who is your favorite person?
Um the new Addie and the new Audrey.

What is your favorite toy?
Um Barbies.

What makes you happy?
Um Barbies.

What scares you?
the storms.

When you get sick what makes you feel better?
medicine

What is your favorite drink?
um chocolate milk

Who is your favorite princess?
um JASMINE!

What is something that mommy always says to you?
Um I don’t know.

How old is mommy?
I dunno

How old is daddy?
I dunno either

What did you do today?
clean up

What is love?
Um hearts

What do you like to wear?
dresses

What is your favorite thing to do in the summer?
um play

What is daddy’s favorite food?
Um chicken

What do you know about Jesus?
Um He loves me.

What do you like to go shopping for?
food

What is something you like to eat?
Um Macaroni and cheese

What makes Chloe special?
Love