I am going to schedule this post for the future, because I am not yet ready to announce that I AM PREGNANT!!! I want to keep track from the start of things though, so here we go. 🙂

I found out last Sunday that I am pregnant with baby #3 (#4? I don’t know how to count since losing a baby..) I am terrified and cannot wait for my first appointment so that I can find out that things are ok. I know that the baby is in God’s hands though, and there is no better place. No matter what happens, I am SO BLESSED! Baby’s due date is July 14 or 15, I’ve been told two different dates, so hopefully that can be ironed out soon.

How far along? 5 weeks
Total weight gain: Nothing yet! YES!!
Maternity clothes? None yet, but my pants are already getting tight. yikes!
Stretch marks? No new ones.
Sleep: Scott has been amazing at getting up with the girls every 2 minutes, but I still wake up to their cries, so sleep has escaped me now.
Best moment this week: reaching 5 weeks. 🙂
Worst moment this week: realizing how difficult it will be to HIDE this pregnancy until 12 weeks!
Miss anything? 6 cups of coffee a day. Wah!
Movement: nothing yet.
Food cravings: Carrots and ranch, and Arby’s.
Anything making you queasy or sick: If I don’t eat at least a snack every couple of hours I feel queasy, but nothing horrible yet.
Gender: I don’t know, but really hoping for another girl
Labor signs: No, and I hope it stays that way for a long time.
Symptoms: I run to the bathroom constantly, and have to stick to a feeding schedule. ha!
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or moody most of the time: Well, we are on day 10 of confinement to the house due to this crummy sickness my girls have, so I am pretty darn moody!
Looking forward to: our first doctor’s appointment.

I am really getting excited for the end of 2013, and the start of 2014. I know so many people who say that they don’t make New Year’s Resolutions because they never follow through with them anyway. I don’t like to set “resolutions”, so much as I like to set goals for myself. Last year, Scott and I sat down and wrote out some “family goals” that we wanted to achieve by the end of 2013. I can think of three of our goals.

1. Have Chloe potty trained. We achieved this one, other than that she wears a pull-up at night. Most of the time she wakes up dry, but there are nights that she is wet. I think that for a three-year-old, she is doing AWESOME.

2. Break Chloe of her binky obsession. This one has also been COMPLETELY achieved. She was still getting it at bed time and nap time because.. well, my sanity. My sweet, sweet, sanity. But, she chewed it up, and lost it. It was found a couple of days ago, but since she had been without it for a week or so, we threw it away.

3. Save 1,000 in 2013. We didn’t reach this goal due to unforeseen circumstances throughout the year. God has ALWAYS provided and taken care of us, so I really can’t complain. We did still save up some “emergency” money, but we just didn’t reach our goal.

I think that we may have set a couple more, but I just can’t think of what they were at this moment in time.

Where am I going with this? I read over on Jessica’s blog, Little Baby Garvin that they are doing a big link-up party after the new year about your resolutions, or even a “theme” that you want your family to have throughout the year. I love the idea of having a word that you focus on through the year. If anyone wants to join in the fun, go check out her blog post and see the instructions. I will be thinking of my goals for 2014, and a word that I want to focus on through the year, and posting them on here at the end of the week.

The girls have been sick for 10 DAYS!! Chloe has been well for several days now, but Addison’s upper respiratory infection turned into croup, and she just can’t kick the fever. She hasn’t had one yet today, but that’s how it’s been for the past several days. She is fine all day, and cranks out a fever come evening time. You know that insanity, right? We have been stuck inside for 10 stinking days. Friday I got out to do grocery shopping and it was heavenly. I felt like skipping through the aisles and singing. I am not a fan of padded walls though, so I resisted the urge

I have been desperate. The girls are tired of each other. They are tired of me. I am tired of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood and Jake and the Neverland Pirates. It’s a madhouse. My husband has had quite a bit going on lately, so he hasn’t been able to let me get out in the evenings much at all. He will always send me out AT LEAST once a week to clear my head and have some time alone. He is pretty fantastic. 🙂 Anyway, I am just hitting a roadblock when thinking about what activities to do inside with the girls. I wish we could go outside and play, but the freezing temps and snow are just not allowing for that with sick ones.

If anyone has activities that are easy and fun for toddlers- let me have them. We have done science experiments. We have made cookies. I have tried teaching them how to plank, do push-ups, and squats. We have taken hundreds of baths that included painting the bathtub. Coloring, painting, eating snacks… I need an indoor jungle-gym in my living room. ha! I am so ready to pack away the thermometers, vicks, motrin, and cough syrup for a while. I haven’t been to church since October.. This is bonkers.

Being inside like this forces me to organize things, so there is my silver lining. I have been throwing junk away, organizing closets, shelves, and scrubbing everything. With my girls, I get to keep doing it over and over again, so that keeps me from getting bored. haha! Since I haven’t been able to walk like I usually do, I have been really trying to focus on eating better. I’ve been drinking more water, and less sweet tea. I have been trying to keep up with my Dirty Thirty workout, but have been struggling because I feel so completely drained.

I don’t even know what I am typing anymore. I really think I am losing my mind, and if you have made it this far, you are a saint. 😉 I have been checking the blogs that I follow 93383 times a day hoping for something new to read. So, if you blog, WRITE SOMETHING. I need something to do.

I also have been trying to resist the urge to decorate for Christmas. If you caught what I said before, it has been SNOWING here in Michigan. I want to put up my tree, hang lights and garland. Instead I have been watching Christmas movies repeatedly and drinking some eggnog. I think Scott would go bonkers if he came home to the Christmas tree up in the living room. We need at least one sane person in the house to balance out the madness.

Pray for my girls to start feeling 100%. I hate when they are sick, mostly because I hate seeing them miserable, and partially because I want them to SLEEP!! Pray that my brains don’t explode all over the house because I really don’t want to clean that mess up.

We live in a social media world. No matter how much you may try to run from it, it is there. I have facebook so that I can share things with my FAMILY. I am friend with people from high school, and people from church, too. Sometimes you only hit “accept” so that World War Three doesn’t break out in your church or family. Please tell me that I am not the only one! But, social media makes it easier for others to offer up insanely critical and hurtful words while hiding behind their computer screen.

Being a mother is hard enough. Especially being a NEW mother. I still consider myself NEW at this. My oldest is only three. I have many more years to go. I had a lot of experience with breastfeeding problems, so I feel that I can give advice WHEN ASKED. I have a lot of experience with sensitive baby/toddler skin, so I feel that I can give advice. I am still working on discipline and homeschooling, so I keep my mouth shut when it comes to those things. I only open my mouth when asked, and when I feel like I may actually have something to contribute. I don’t like to open my mouth unless I have something good to say. “Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.” Yeah, I try to live by that. If you think I am a fool, fine, but at least I have never given you a reason to KNOW that I am one.

Why do so many women feel that they can open their mouth and give their opinion on anything and everything? Why do so many of the older women feel that they can tell you what to do when it comes to your own kids. “I have seen the village, and I don’t want it raising my kids.” I especially don’t understand why women feel that they can give you such “awesome” advice when their own children turned out.. well.. less than what I hope for my kids. I don’t want perfect children. I want children who follow and serve the perfect GOD. If your children are not following Jesus, then I don’t want your advice. Not to mention, I never asked for the advice. I never asked for your help. No, I am not so prideful that I won’t ask for help or advice WHEN I NEED IT. I am not helpless though. I had a woman LITERALLY take my baby out of my arms and tell me that it was “her” job to stop MY babies crying. I was so angry…

I don’t think that I am a terrible mother. My children are happy, healthy, and intelligent little girls. I call my mom frequently for advice or help. I WANT her advice. I want her to help me. Why is it so easy for other women to tear us down as new moms?

“I just don’t see how she can be hungry so often.”

“Why don’t you have shoes on that baby?”

“She has got to be cold.”

“Why do you new mothers carry your babies around in the carseats? I don’t see how you can bond that way.”

1.My babies were breastfed.. the milk that a mama produces is digested faster than the formula that other mother’s put in their bottles because their intestines and mama milk were made for each other… that is why she is hungry so often. (I am NOT intending to tear down any mama who formula feeds their baby. Like I said, YOU are the mama. YOU get to decide. I know that many mothers CAN’T make breastmilk. I get sick of people who say that every woman is capable “HOw do you think they did it in Bible times?!” Wet nurses. The end. Other mothers just decide to do it because it’s easier. Whatever.. I chose to breast feed, you may choose formula.)

2. My baby has WIDE feet, and I REFUSE to spend $40 on wide baby shoes that she will outgrow in a month.

3. I would know if she is cold, or hot. I check. When she is drenched in sweat, she is not cold. Thank you.

4. Both of my sisters have heard this one I believe… Once again, all three of us breast fed/feed our babies.. WE bond with them PLENTY.. and it’s the LAW that they must be in their car seat in the car. When a bear is sleeping, you don’t poke it, am I right?! We carry the car seat into the house or store.. whatever.. Plus, when it’s winter, they stay warmer for everyone who is always concerned about my baby being too cold…

I guess I am little crabby today.. I just am so tired of women tearing each other down. Quit being hateful. Quit judging.. Just STOP. Let the mother be the parent. If the mother is abusing their baby, then speak up. Otherwise, just keep your mouth shut and offer SUPPORT. Support is not unsolicited advice or judgmental comments for the record.. It is being a listening ear, offering to help clean, bringing a healthy meal by, etc.

I get really excited about every holiday. I am not a huge sweets person, but I really love making festive desserts or yummy snacks that are holiday themed! I am a little obsessed with Jessica Garvin’s blog, “Little Baby Garvin”. She is so creative and festive. Plus, her daughter is super cute.. and she has a beautiful home. Anyway, She posted about this snack mix here and I have been dying to make some. It looks so yummy and festive, and I know my girls will love it. I made some this morning and am still waiting for the white chocolate to harden up. My popcorn is getting soft while waiting though, so I need to find a way to remedy that. I’ve munched on some though, and it’s really yummy!! Plus, it’s super cute! See:

If you know us, then you know that we don’t have tons of extra money to spend on decorations. I made these bats out of construction paper though, and they made a huge impact. I feel like the picture makes them look odd, but they look super cute in the house and cost me nothing. I have a closet full of construction paper, and all sorts off other odd art supplies that Chloe loves. Addi could really care less right now, which breaks my fragile heart. 😉

The girls worked on some cookies last week also. It was the first day of October, so they were dressed in Halloween outfits, decorating for Halloween, and making Halloween cookies. Yes, we watched Hocus Pocus and Hallweentown also! 😀

Speaking of festive, we also saw this big guy last weekend.

Living so close to Bronner’s Christmas Wonderland is really fabulous for when I need a holiday fix. My husband would kill me if I decorated the whole house in June, so I can take a drive to the most festive, Christmas-y place I have ever seen. Plus, it’s Michigan, so it could snow in June sometime. 😉

Now, for a major shift, but I want to get the word out so that more people will be praying. I am sitting on my couch with the windows open. The fall breeze is blowing through the windows. It sounds wonderful, right? Well, if it weren’t mixed with the smell of smoke and burnt wood, it would be. Yesterday, I started smelling smoke during naptime. If you know me, then you know that I have an insane fear of my house catching on fire. I start frantically going through the house smelling EVERYWHERE because I couldn’t figure out where the smell was coming from. I looked out my “back” door and saw that it was really smoky. I started to panic, and ran outside to figure out where it was coming from. The house across the street was on fire. It started on the porch. I ran into the house and tried to call 9-1-1. They never answered my call, but there were a few other people outside on cell phones. I heard someone yell “Did you call 9-1-1?” and then heard what sounded like “yes”. So, I knew that it was probably taken care of. I watched as the flames quickly moved from the porch towards the back of the house. I have never seen anything so frightening or surreal. The family was not home, but I am sure that they lost everything. Three firetrucks showed up and it took close to an hour to get the fire out. It burned the power lines to the house, and they shut our power off for a couple of hours to get it safely taken care of. I never got a chance to talk to the family and see if they needed anything. The insurance company, Red Cross, and tons of other “more important” people were talking to the family when they finally got home. It breaks my heart to think of how it would feel to come home to find that you had lost almost every earthly possession. I have been watching out the window to see if they stop by the house today, when it’s less hectic, so if I find out about any needs of theirs, I will share them on here and maybe others can help. Anyway, please keep this family in your prayers as they are starting over.

Happy Fall! Oh my goodness, this is my FAVORITE time of year!! I love the way the air turns crisp. The trees change into beautiful colors. Michigan has the most awesome fall!! Halloween is coming up quickly, too!!

I love Halloween. I know that may seem strange to love a holiday that some recognize as a satanic holiday. I don’t know, maybe it started out that way, but it is not that to me at all. It is silly fun! It was Chloe’s first holiday. It was Addi’s first holiday. It is special to me. I try to wait until October 1 to get out the actual Halloween decorations. I watch Hocus Pocus year round though!!

I found this picture on pinterest, and when I clicked on it, I was taken straight to the full picture. I have no clue where it came from, but I love it!!!

Addison turns 2 in FOUR AND HALF weeks!! How did that even happen? I am trying to plan her party. She won’t tell me what kind of party she wants (duh, she’s young). I keep throwing out suggestions, and the only one that she has really said yes to is Monsters. I have asked her a few times “What do you want for your party” and she answers “pink” a lot of the time. haha! I guess I can get creative and do a pink party.

I’m not 100% sure on costumes for her either. Chloe has said for weeks now that she wants to be Tinker Bell. I’m not sure what Addison wants to be though. I want them to choose now that they are old enough, at least somewhat, to choose. Any suggestions?! She was pebbles last year, and the year before she was home with mama as a little 4 day old baby. 🙂 Gosh, this holiday makes me so happy!

We are hoping to get to a pumpkin patch in the next couple of weeks. I would love to have pumpkins everywhere, but I am not sure that it is in the budget for us. This time of year always gets pretty pricey with birthdays, parties, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Pumpkins may be silly to spend money on. *sigh*

I had an apple cider donut, and a mug of hot apple cider this morning, and it was heavenly. I think I will go have some more cider and enjoy the “quiet” of naptime!

Do something fall-ish today!! 🙂

It is almost September! I have always anticipated September every year. I anticipate it more and more every year. It is the beginning of Fall weather. It is the month before OCTOBER, which is my favorite month of the year! I enjoy “back to school” time, as a former teacher, and a soon-to-be homeschooling mama! I love September. But, this September is feeling a little bit different to me. It is approaching the one year “anniversary” of when we lost our precious baby, Quinn Lael. I am not sure if I have ever shared our baby’s name before, but there you have it. Quinn means “Counsel” and Lael means “belonging to God”. We decided that we did not want to refer to our baby as “it”, so we gave the baby a pretty gender-neutral name. I really had a feeling that this baby was a boy, but I always have that feeling and end up surprised. Scott and I joke that Quinn was probably his only boy.

September 16, 2012 I had just finished writing a Facebook message to my friend Lexi. I was telling her that I REALLY felt like something was wrong. I hadn’t gained ANY weight. I was 11 weeks pregnant. I am NOT one of those lucky people who doesn’t gain weight for weeks. I gain, and I again hard. I had some morning sickness… mostly when all of my family was in town and I hid in our bedroom with a grocery bag. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was pregnant yet, so I did the gross and unthinkable.. Anyway, I just finished hitting “send” when I felt something. I went to the bathroom while Scott dealt with one of our crying children. Then I discovered that I was bleeding. Nothing bad, but I had NEVER had any spotting before, so I was really worried. We called our neighbor, AKA Pastor’s wife, and asked her to sit with the girls while we went to the ER. They took FOR-E-VER and did ultrasounds and blood tests. The doctor came back FINALLY and said that it appeared that the baby was only developed to 4-5 weeks gestation. She said “there is still a chance that you just aren’t as far along as you thought”. Yes, because women frequently get positive pregnancy tests a week BEFORE they are even pregnant. I know that she was just trying to make me feel better, but come on. I just nodded and said “ok”. I don’t remember getting dressed, or walking to the car. I remember that halfway home a song came on the radio. A song that I think that God put there just for me. A song that I angrily turned off the radio to… Josh Wilson’s “Fall Apart” become my theme song. I didn’t want to hear it on the way home. I was just numb. I wasn’t angry with God. My heart sang “You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name”. The next couple of days were just a blur of wondering WHEN my body would actually “miscarry”.

September 18, 2012 in the evening I started to have some cramping. I won’t get graphic or gross, but let’s just say that it HURTS. Loosing a baby in this way emotionally hurts, and physically hurts A LOT! I was not prepared for the pain, as the doctor told me that it was just feel like all of the monthly garbage women deal with. LIES! It felt just like labor, only it didn’t get AS strong as it would in the end. I will remember this day for the rest of my life. I cried a lot. But, there was a voice whispering “God is good”. GOD IS GOOD!! God is always good. God is good on the bad days. God is good on the hard days. God has been good ever since this day, and God was good long before this day. I remember that we were singing “A Mighty Fortress” in choir the Sunday after it all happened. I shook so violently just trying to get through the song. God so beautifully orchestrated everything surrounding the horrible day that I lost the baby. He placed constant reminders in my path that He would NEVER leave me or forsake me; that He works ALL things to my good.

There are days where I still get so consumed with grief and heartbreak that I feel like I just shut down and autopilot comes on. But, those days are getting farther apart. I can type this without tears streaming down my face. I am not sure why I am writing or sharing this. Maybe just so that I can heal a little more. Maybe there is a mama out there with a broken heart and empty womb. Maybe no one will ever read this post.

I want to encourage anyone who may be reading this to remember that God IS in control. I do not know why I lost my baby, but I do know that He is good. He never does anything to hurt me, but to mold me and shape me into the woman He desires me to become. My heavenly father loves me more than anyone on this planet ever has or could. Shortly after I lost my baby, I had FOUR friends/family members loose their babies. I was grateful that I could be an ear to listen, and someone who knew how to pray for them specifically. I become a member of a club of supportive and strong women who were so wonderful to share their stories with me. I would never wish this club on anyone, but if you are in this club, know that you are not alone.

I am so lacking in things to write about it is not even funny. Life is so crazy and hectic right now. We have things going on every day. I am getting worn out. Scott and I ran the Warrior Dash together and really enjoyed it. A couple of weeks later, we ran The Great Pizza Challenge 5K. You know what I realized? I STINK at running.. I have athletic onset asthma. I forgot to use my inhaler before the Warrior Dash, so I really struggled with my breathing. Then, the week of the Pizza Challenge, I got a horrible cold, so I struggled to breathe again, but for different reasons. All of these make great excuses for my times.. 1 hour for the WD, 37:52 for the Pizza Challenge.. however, I just stink.
I am new at running though. I haven’t really been running at all this year. I quit running last July when I found out that I was pregnant. Not out of fear of hurting the baby, but I was sore from the first Warrior Dash, and then I started getting morning sickness. I ran for a little while after we lost the baby. I was angry. I pounded my anger out on the gym floor while I ran. I cried and asked God “Why?” Then, I just quit doing it.. I quit running. I guess it was just laziness, but I have been out of practice for A YEAR! For the record, I still don’t know WHY I lost the baby. I never will. I do know that I was the first in a string of 4 other friends or family members who lost babies. I am thankful that I was able to talk some of them through it.. God is always good. Anyway, this is not meant to be a depressing post. Life is so good. I am so blessed with two awesome girls, and an awesome husband who treats me so much better than I ever deserve.

Chloe is doing well with learning her letters. I am going to start doing a little bit of preschool homeschooling this September. I am not going to do any sort of curriculum this first year. I am going to rely a lot on free printables and workbooks that I can buy at the store. She is turning THREE on Thursday. While she seems so old to me now, she is still so young. She is bright. But, I want her to get to be a kid. I try to take advantage of “teachable moments” and work with her while we play. I think it helps. I want them to enjoy their childhood. They have the rest of their lives to be tortured as adults with responsibility and pressure to be and do more. She still has wild, curly hair that I can’t seem to tame. She has so much energy that her hair always ends up wild by noon. If anyone has any curly hair tips, I will take them!

Addison is getting sillier every day. She has this way that she says “Hiiii” that just cracks me up. She is still a Mama’s girl, and I LOVE it. haha! She carries one of my shirts around, or a receiving blanket and she calls it her “mama”. I am “mommy” to her though, so it doesn’t get confusing. I am working on teaching colors to her. She thinks everything is pink right now. I think pink may be her favorite right now. She loves to sing and dance. Her favorite show is “Jake and the Neverland Pirates”, and she loves the Leapfrog movies.

I am so excited for this week because my friends are coming to visit. They are on deputation right now to get on the field in Ecuador. This will probably be the last time I see them before they leave. They will be in town for a full week! YAY! Plus, my parents are possibly going to come this weekend. Scott’s parents will be here next week! I LOVE having company. We have a tiny little house, but I love filling it to the brim with friends and family. We had our music director over for lunch last week. I don’t know what it is, but I love having people over.

If you have made it to the end of this post, you get a gold star. Hopefully soon, I will have something exciting to post.

I didn’t fall off the planet. I have been watching a friends kids. That is FOUR kids in the smallest house in existence. I have one more day of it. These extra kids both have colds and have been coughing and snotting on everything. Send coffee.

The girls and I went on an adventure after the fourth of July. We packed up and headed to my parents’ house for my younger sister’s baby shower. For those of you who don’t know, BOTH of my sisters were pregnant at the time. My older sister, Amy, was 2 weeks away from her due date. My younger sister, Amanda, is due in early September. The baby shower was for Amanda.

I could not stop laughing because I didn’t know where to put my hands in this picture. My aunt was telling me to hold my own belly. Let the record show that I was the skinniest sister for the first time ever… in my entire life! I was always referred to as “the big one” growing up. No, I am not joking. Yes, I am emotionally scarred. I will take a piece of chocolate cake. NO, pumpkin pie! My head is totally in fall right now. If only the weather would agree with my head..

Sheesh, I am just all over the place today. I will stop boring you after I say this: I am an aunt again! I am not sure what that really means. I think once an aunt, always an aunt, right? I have another BEAUTIFUL nephew. Now, don’t tell my brother-in-law that I said that. He will correct me and say “HANDSOME”. But, a baby is a beautiful thing. I will maybe share a picture on here after Amy gives all the deets on her own blog. It is facebook knowledge though, so I figure it is safe to say that he is here, healthy, and beautiful. His momma is, too. 😉

Babies are such a beautiful and amazing blessing. I cannot wait to see my other nephew in September!