Since becoming a mother, I have grown into a version of myself that I am not a fan of. I am constantly feeling overwhelmed and.. I don’t even know how to describe it. I want to say CLEARLY that I LOVE my children. I love their personalities that are so very different. I love being a mother. Sometimes I have days where I wonder if I was never meant to do this. Was I just crazy, and God was really saying “You are going to stink this thing up, don’t even bother”?? I know this is not true, this is my calling from God. I was meant to do this. But, some days are just hard, and that is completely normal.
I always wanted to be a mommmy. As soon as Scott and I got married, baby fever took hold. I used to love playing house (and teacher) as a young girl. I loved to babysit. I worked in massive daycare centers. I taught preschool. I love children. Somewhere after having two children so close together, I feel like I morphed into this not-so-great version of me. I don’t know if it is the constant flow of sleepless nights. I have insomnia, and then my kids wake up several times a night when I do finally doze off. I get terrible sleep every night. Everyone gets a little cranky on little sleep. String that together for more than a year, and you start to get madness. I don’t like the impatient and annoyed person that I have become.
I get REALLY down in the winter. You know how you have periods in your life that just feel like you are stuck in the valley with no end in sight? That is winter for me. Every single year. It is the longest 3+ months. Every year I really make an effort to prepare myself for the torture of it all, and convince myself that it won’t be bad. This winter has been especially difficult, with our 1 1/2 feet of snow in a little over 24 hours, and wind chills reaching WELL below -20 degrees FERENHEIT. It is absurd. Throw in the fact that my kids have been passing a virus back and forth for OVER two weeks, so we can’t even go to Sam’s club or walk at the mall to get rid of some cabin fever. They are sick of each other, and some days by the end of the night, I am just sick of them. But, night time doesn’t end the torture here. See the paragraph above.
I am just worn; weary; exhausted. Every family meal consists of Scott and I screaming at each other. NO, we are NOT fighting, we literally have to scream to hear each other over the constant drum playing with forks and spoons, and the screams of the girls “I want doooooooowwwnnnnnnn!!” I am constantly ducking because Addison thinks it’s perfectly okay to throw her food at me. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I don’t even remember the last time we went on a date together. Alone. Was it September? I know that in August we ran a 5K together, “The Great Pizza Challenge”, and then stood in the YMCA gymnasium and ate some really gross pizza. That may have been the last time.
I feel like I am just doing the bare minimum to get by, and that is NOT AT ALL who I want to be. This pregnancy is difficult. Caring for two toddlers and dealing with already extreme back pain, nausea, and fatigue is rough. I know it will be “worse” when the baby actually arrives. In some ways that is, in a LOT of ways, it will be easier. I love caring for a newborn. The sleepless nights don’t seem as bad when you have a squishy little face that actually has a reason to wake up at night. I love the times alone at night with my babies.
I don’t even know why I am writing this. Maybe I just really need to get it off my chest. Maybe I am begging for additional prayers that I can make it through this winter without ending up in a padded cell… and prayers that winter doesn’t last until July. I was joking that at the rate things are going, it will still be winter when my due date arrives. Please, Lord, NO.
Here is an amusing story to end this miserable rant of a post, and sum up this day:
Chloe colored the back of her door with a marker that she found in her bedroom during naptime.. she also colored herself… and threw giant puzzle pieces and mega blocks everywhere. It has been a splendid day here in the Pullen house. But, it won’t stay this way forever and I know that one day I will miss parts of this phase. So, I will try to focus on my 2014 word of the year.. I will try to SAVOR these days.. these long and hard days that feel as though they will never end. I know they will end. I know that I am blessed, and I know that God is good.
