• Wonderful

    When I stare at this tiny, brand new life next to me, I get completely overwhelmed. The way that God so intimately creates new life is amazing. Ten tiny fingers and toes… all of it.. it is just so wonderful. I love the newborn phase. I am completely worn out and have a hard time staying awake, but I love it. The big girls are still really good with Harper. Addison just has to learn to be more gentle with Harper. She wants so badly to play with her, but doesn’t understand that she can’t play yet. Chloe is slowly coming around to Harper. She mostly ignores her, but I occasionally catch her sneaking kisses and rubbing her soft head.

    I love our family. Scott is always great when we have a new baby. He has it easy because he doesn’t have to wake up and stay awake to feed Harper. He gets up, changes her diaper, and brings her to me. I didn’t even have to ask him to do that. He just does it. I love him. I love them. I love it all.

    Sometimes, when I think about the fact that we won’t be having any more babies, my heart breaks. I have spent many nights sobbing over it. I know that we made the right decision. I put a lot of prayer, tears, and thought into the decision. It was not an easy one. It is personal, so I don’t know why I have shared it on here, but it is difficult. I guess that I don’t want anyone to ever feel alone if they have to make the decision. It is so hard. Scott said that he feels guilty that I am feeling some regret. I told him not to; that I know we did what we felt was best… Everyone says when you are done, you just know. But, what if your health forces you to make a decision that you were not ready for?

    It is hard for me to not feel angry about the health concerns that caused us to even have to THINK about it. It has been difficult to not feel angry since May, when I had a seizure and was forced to stop driving and start seeing a million doctors and start having even more fear during this pregnancy. But, life is wonderful. God is good. ALWAYS. Through all of the FEAR, I have been safe. Harper was kept safe. Chloe was kept safe. Addison was kept safe. My husband was kept safe. Wonderful. It is all wonderful. No one should ever forget how wonderful life is. How wonderful the blessing of a new baby is… It is the most wonderful gift in this life.

  • One week home

    Sunday marked one week since bringing Harper home and getting into the new normal for our family. We are a family of FIVE. How amazing is that?!?!

    I am feeling much more human. I had a super easy labor and delivery (don’t be jealous.. my first two were pure torture, I think I deserved one that went well!). The issue was that they left the epidural in my spine after I had Harper.. until like 10 the next morning. That was 14 hours of having that giant catheter in my spine WITHOUT anything being numbed. You don’t notice the discomfort because you are typically numb. Let me tell you, I had just pushed a watermelon out of a golf ball if ya know what I mean, and I was almost in tears from the dumb epidural. They left it in because I did end up getting the tubal ligation. They were going to try to “re-use” it, but it ended up being so long that they took it out and did a spinal block. The surgery wasn’t bad. The first day was extremely painful and difficult as I was trying to figure out how to move without feeling like my abdominal muscles were going to explode.. plus my back was in a lot of pain still. It is occasionally really tender, but overall it was not bad.

    Anyway, our first week has gone really well. Harper didn’t sleep AT ALL at night the first couple of nights, but now she sleeps really well. She only wakes when she is hungry, and usually goes right back to sleep after eating. On Thursday of last week, she vomited and there was something dark in it. I started freaking out wondering if one of the older girls had given her anything to eat. I’ve been watching them like a hawk though, so I was certain that was not the issue. Then, her dirty diapers started becoming really dark. A call to the doctor, and a visit with him later, and we find out that she has blood in her stool. They said most of the time that this is a sign of a milk protein allergy. I am cutting dairy and eggs out of my diet completely. It is so hard. I never realized that milk is in EVERYTHING!! The good news is that I am losing weight like crazy.. mostly because I am starving and breastfeeding double time. She still gets sick (more than just spitting up..) at least once a day and I have to feed her all over again. I have lost 24 pounds already, and she is only 12 days old.

    Just part of a little treat she showered me with one day..

    I am hoping to figure out more of what I can eat because I am tired of being hungry and in tears because I have no idea what I can actually eat. Any advice is appreciated. I love almond milk, and have been drinking that in the morning and eating plain oatmeal with a little bit of brown sugar. For lunch I end up eating some tortilla chips and crying when Scott goes back to work because I am so frustrated. Last night we had tacos for dinner. Tacos really stink when you can’t put any cheese or sour cream on them.. just meat and a tortilla with some salsa. Yum.. except it’s not.

    Harper was back above her birth weight on Friday, so she is at least growing and getting plenty to eat despite her vom fests. It is 100% worth the sacrifice that I am making to be able to give her the best food possible. It is just a difficult transition. I know it will eventually get easier. If anyone has any dairy-free coupons, feel free to send them my way!! A tiny loaf of dairy free bread costs almost $6!!

  • Bliss

    I am laying here, much like the above picture, with a beautiful new baby girl on my chest. I am listening to her soft breathing as she naps completely care-free. I am so in love with this tiny blessing from God. There is no better feeling.

    Harper Michelle entered our world the second that the test was positive. She came into my arms on July 18 at 6:24 PM weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces. She is a tiny 20 1/4 inches long.

    Life is so good.

  • Woah

    I saw my OB today. Nothing has changed. She said it was time to talk induction and asked “So, what works best for you?” I was just being a smarty pants and said “Well, today obviously..” to which she said “deal”. just kidding.. but almost. She said that she probably couldn’t get me in today, but that tomorrow or the day after she could. Say what?!?!?! So, tomorrow night at 8 I will be calling Labor and Delivery to make sure that the whole world hasn’t gone into labor. As long as there is room, they will be inducing tomorrow night. Woah. I will have THREE little girls that I can physically see by this weekend. Six little eyeballs watching my every move.. depending on me to take care of them.

    How overwhelming, exciting, terrifying, thrilling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH!

    I won’t be posting this info. on facebook because people get ridiculous, and I don’t want a million visitors at the hospital because I am antisocial. 😉 Kidding. I just want to rest and be left alone as much as possible in the hospital. Please pray that we have a healthy delivery and no seizure activity. If I have a seizure while in labor, they won’t know if it is because of MY health problems, or if it is eclampsia. Eclampsia would end in a C-section, so I really don’t want that to even be suspected. I don’t really anticipate any problems like that unless if I come down with the stomach flu that has gone through the rest of the house. The good news is that if I do, it will help labor progress, and I will be in the best place for me to get fluids and meds through an IV.

    🙂 My next post will be an announcement with baby girl’s arrival deets! AH!!

  • 40 weeks pregnant

    How far along? 40 weeks

    Baby’s size: baby sized

    Maternity clothes? yeah..

    Sleep: I wake up a lot to pee.

    Worst moment this week: Sunday both girls were sick all day. That was pretty miserable. Scott has it today, and I am getting exhausted. I have been carrying all of the weight around here and am really ready for a break… Pray that I don’t get this stomach bug along with it.

    Best moment this week: We had a really good Saturday since (we hope) it was probably our last weekend as a family of four.

    Miss anything? normalcy.. I don’t even know what that is anymore. Life won’t let up, and I am just ready to get back to normal. <

  • Send coffee

    I have been cleaning up vomit and doing 9 million loads of laundry all day. I don’t know if the milk the girls drank this morning was bad (even though it was a brand new 1/2 gallon) or if the pancakes they ate were bad.. but it has not been a fun day. Chloe got sick all over the kitchen floor right as I finished getting myself ready for church. She had on her pretty dress and was ready to go.. Scott decided to take Addison since she was acting fine. Chloe slept really terribly and had been complaining all night about her back hurting and saying she had the “hiccups”. So, I had a feeling that something was wrong. She always wakes up several times a night, but something just seemed off this time.

    Anyway, Scott took Addi to church and Chloe laid on the couch and started watching a movie. She never acts sick when she is sick, so she jumped up and started dancing around. I told her to lay back on the couch and try to rest so she would feel better. Soon, my phone rings and Scott says “Addi just threw up in her class. I’m on my way home with her now.” Awesome. Scott went back to church, cuz that’s his job, and I stayed home and continued doing load after load of vomit covered laundry..

    I have fed them both the B.R.A.T. diet all day. Chloe only got sick this morning. Addison didn’t keep anything down until dinner time. She seems to be feeling better now. She kept her dinner down and has been munching on some cheerios. I almost forgot to eat breakfast this morning in all of the madness. I didn’t eat lunch today because I didn’t want to eat in front of the girls and have them upset that they couldn’t have any good food with flavor. I planned to wait until they went down for nap, but Addi continued getting sick through naptime, so there went that plan. I did finally eat some dinner..

    In case you didn’t know, my due date is in TWO DAYS. Please, please pray that this is just from something they had for breakfast and not a stomach bug that I am going to catch. I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want Scott to get sick. I don’t want to bring the new baby home to a germ infested house.

    The silver lining is that everything has been washed or sprayed down with Lysol.. At least the baby will come home to a clean environment.. maybe.. Someone send coffee. I am exhausted.

  • Chloe’s birth story

    Chloe turns four in a little over a month. I think I have taken far too long to write this. 😀

    My due date was August 11, 2010. Thursday, August 12, 2010 around 10 PM I noticed that my “Braxton Hicks” were becoming regular at about 10 minutes apart. I was so excited that this could be it that I ended up staying up all night timing them. I was anxious to have Chloe in my arms. I was excited that it was finally time. Through the night they got closer and closer together, eventually getting to 7 minutes apart. I had an OB appointment on the 13th for a NST since I was past my due date. They just wanted to monitor her and make sure that she was OK in there. They hooked me up immediately after a contraction and because Chloe moved great, unhooked me right before another one hit, so they never saw anything. I told them that I was having contractions every 7 minutes, but they weren’t really painful yet.. just annoying. I was really tired because I had been up all night like a moron timing these dumb contractions just praying that it would be go time. Scott and I went home. He went to work, and I started cleaning up the house. I knew that I was in early labor at least, so company would be coming soon. I vacuumed the house and straightened everything up. I have no idea what I really straightened up because I didn’t have any kids.. what mess was there?!

    By the time evening rolled around, the contractions were really getting uncomfortable, but still staying at 7 minutes apart. I was disappointed. Scott and I were married on Friday the 13th. Here it was Friday the 13th again, and I was REALLY hoping that she would come on that day. I’m weird like that. I don’t really remember what all went on this day, other than cleaning and having contractions constantly. Scott went to bed and I laid down to try and rest. The contractions were uncomfortable enough to make it impossible for me to sleep. I tried to read some, prayed a lot… timed contractions. Around 4 AM they became 5 minutes apart, and were painful. This is when they tell you to head to the hospital. Looking back, they weren’t really THAT painful, but because I had been in labor for a day and a half already, they felt miserable. Sometime after 5, I woke Scott up and told him how close together they were, and that maybe we should head to the hospital. They checked me and told me that I was only dialated to “fingertip”. Kill me now! They watched for an hour or two. They said I was definitely in labor, but that it wasn’t progressing. I was told to come back when the contractions were 3 minutes apart, and that they thought I’d be back by the afternoon. Scott and I went home. I cried the whole way. I was already so exhausted and the hard part hadn’t even started. I got in the shower when we got home and let the hot water run down my back. I laid on the couch and cried. I walked around the house and cried. Basically, I cried a lot. Around 10, the contractions were 3 minutes apart and really hurting me.

    We headed to the hospital again. They checked me and I was at a 1. A ONE! That was it? The doctor decided to have me admitted because I had progressed SOME. They wanted to give me Pitocin to try and get things to actually MOVE along. I was so exhausted that I asked if there was something they could give me that would allow me to get some sleep. I hadn’t slept at all in a couple of days. They gave me a mild pain killer right away. They told me that they had to give it slowly through the IV or it would knock me out. I thought “yeah, whatever..” and then my head started spinning. They weren’t kidding!! I called my mom to tell her that I was admitted to the hospital and it was time. I was really drugged up though, so I remember her laughing hysterically at me as I said “I feel goooooooooooooooooooooooood”. The look on the nurse’s face probably should have given away that I sounded like a nut job, but I really was clueless until later. Labor kept going slowly. Very, very slowly. I was able to get a little bit of sleep, but not much. I wanted an epidural. I was in so much pain and so exhausted that I just wanted relief. My doctor is awesome, and she told me that she would really rather wait until I was at a 5 to give it to me, that way it wouldn’t slow things down and she could break my water. My parents showed up sometime in the evening. They kept me company while Scott took a nap. It was pretty late in the evening when I FINALLY was dialted to a 5.

    The anesthesiologist came in and I feel like labor started to really pick up as they were telling me that I needed to hold very still. Holding still while in intense pain is difficult, but I didn’t like the idea of paralysis. Scott held me so that my back was curved perfectly for them. They told me that it should take less than a minute for the numbness to set in. My left leg started to go REALLY numb, but nothing else. My leg was so heavy that I couldn’t lift it or move it at all. So, they had to re-do the epidural. I do not like needles one bit. I believe that they missed and had to do it a third time. This time it was like magic. I couldn’t feel anything. I was finally able to relax, and my body was able to do what it needed to do. The doctor broke my water, and things really sped up. My entire body was shaking, which is a fairly common reaction to the epidural. My dad kept asking if I needed a blanket because he thought I was cold. My mom kept giggling because I was shaking like a maniac for no reason. I was getting annoyed because I couldn’t stop the shaking. My heart rate started to get so high that the monitors kept beeping and going off. It was not a concern, so the nurse turned the alarms off so that we didn’t have to keep listening to it.

    At one point the doctor and a nurse were in the room and looked at the monitors. They exchanged glances and the doctor said “I know, I will be nearby”. My dad thought this meant I was headed directly for a C-section. Turns out, all it meant was that it was almost time to push. I started to feel a lot of pressure. It was around 2:30 AM. My parents left and headed to the waiting room. The nurse came in and had me start pushing. I was still REALLY numb, as they wanted to ensure that the last epidural really worked. My left leg was still completely numb, and I had to ask someone to hand it to me so that I could hold it. I started pushing. I pushed for a while. The nurse decided to play a game of tug-of-war with me to help me push better. She wrapped a blanket up and had me hold onto one part of it while she held the other. I pulled on the blanket and pushed with all of my might. The doctor came in and decided that she needed to do an episiotomy to make more room. That is the worst SOUND in the world. It was horrible. I couldn’t feel a thing. Every time I pushed she would cut some more. I was horrified. Finally after an hour of pushing and a massive cut, Chloe made her entrance into the world at 3:56 AM on August 15, 2010. She was 9 pounds 2 ounces and 21 1/2 inches long. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and the nurses couldn’t get over how loud she was. She was beautiful though. The nurses laid her on my chest and I cried a like an exhausted baby. They took her to get cleaned up while the doctor “repaired” me. Not only had I been cut almost the entire way, I ended up tearing the rest of the way. I immediately tried my hand at nursing. I was so lost and confused, but she did eat a little bit. They said that once I could move my leg, I could take a shower. It was probably a good hour before I was able to lift my leg half an inch. Apparently that was good enough because they got me up. A nurse and Scott helped me to the shower. Scott stayed in there with me to make sure I didn’t fall or get hurt. That man is a saint for all that he witnessed and how supportive he was.

    I finally get into a recovery room and get to take a very short nap. They brought Chloe back in to me. She was clean and smelled so good. Because of how large she was, they had to check her blood sugar levels every so many hours to make sure that she was getting enough to eat. I was so relieved that she was finally in my arms and not kicking my ribs anymore. She was perfect. She ate every hour to every two hours. Scott changed all of the diapers because I was in so much pain that I couldn’t get off the bed without being picked up. Turns out, with pushing a 9 pound baby out of my body, I broke my tail bone. With all that I went through to get her into this world, I would do it all over again. My recovery was long and hard. I didn’t go back to church until she was 8 weeks old because I couldn’t sit without intense pain. Church pews and a broken tail bone just were not going to mix at all!

    We had a lot of breast feeding problems in the beginning. After two months of mastitis off and on we finally realized that she was tongue tied. Once her tongue was clipped, she started nursing like a champ. If you really want to breast feed, don’t give up. Keep pushing through! It’s totally worth it.

    Our little Chloe is spunky. She is strong-willed and stubborn. She is also full of life and energy. She is a sweetheart when she wants to be, and downright rotten at other times. She is a funny little girl who is so bright and brings a lot of laughter into our home.

  • 39 weeks pregnant

    How far along? 39 weeks

    Baby’s size: big. really big.

    Maternity clothes? yup

    Sleep: I have been sleeping, but feel completely miserable.

    Worst moment this week: Yesterday. Yesterday by far. I went for my OB appointment, and everything was great. Then, I went for my NST. The baby was super active on the way to the hospital, and I had a feeling that she was going to cause the test to take longer than usual. After an HOUR (usually its 15 minutes) the nurse says that the baby’s heart rate was too high most all of the time. She wouldn’t calm down. I can see the heart rate, so I knew that something was wrong… it’s usually around 130 and it stayed above 160. They don’t want it to go above 160. I had to go for an ultrasound to check the fluid again. Only this time, they were checking to see if she was practice breathing (like.. is she going to be OK if we take her..) Her heart rate was still high through the ultrasound and she moved so much that it was hard for them to actually see much of anything. Then, I had to go for extended monitoring. If she didn’t calm down, they would have to take her because it would mean she was in distress. They took FOREVER to hook me up in labor and delivery. I was about to pee my pants waiting on the stinking nurse to come into the room. She finally calmed down during that monitoring. 2 hours of a way too high heart rate, and she just suddenly goes back to normal. I have never been so emotionally drained… I am just so ready for her to be here, in my arms.. so I can KNOW that she is OK.

    Best moment this week: My husband is home. I love spending time with him.

    Miss anything? normalcy.. I don’t even know what that is anymore. Life won’t let up, and I am just ready to get back to normal.

    Movement: almost too much…

    Food cravings: I don’t want food.

    Anything making you queasy or sick: nothing specific.

    Gender: GIRL

    Labor signs: nope

    Belly button in or out? out

    Wedding rings on or off? on

    Happy or moody most of the time: When I think of “moody”, I think angry.. I am not angry and crabby.. I am just some emotion that is not really happy.

    I was told that they won’t let me go past 41 weeks since I am high-risk. So, if she does not come on her own, I will be induced on the 22nd. Please, PLEASE pray that I go on my own because I DO NOT want to be induced at all. I want her to come on her own.

  • 38 weeks pregnant

    How far along? 38 weeks

    Baby’s size: By my estimations she is around 100 pounds and gaining a pound an hour.

    Maternity clothes? yup

    Sleep: Well.. the girls have decided that waking up around 5:45 AM is fun.. and then fall back to sleep after they have stayed awake making noise long enough for me to be stuck awake. I am pooped.

    Worst moment this week: The whole week was pretty crappy with my husband gone, the baby giving me a scare, and more noise than my brain could handle.

    Best moment this week: The whole week was also pretty great because I love my family and enjoy getting to spend time with my sisters!!!

    Miss anything? Just about everything about not being pregnant. I am trying to soak in these last couple of weeks, but it is tough when the end is so difficult.

    Movement: lots of massive stretches that make me flinch in pain!!

    Food cravings: Not really..

    Anything making you queasy or sick: I’m not dealing with it as bad as I was before.

    Gender: GIRL… which was confirmed loud and clear with the “emergency” ultrasound that was done.

    Labor signs: lots of contractions still, but nothing that is doing any good.

    Belly button in or out? out

    Wedding rings on or off? on

    Happy or moody most of the time: I’ll let you guess.. 😉

  • 37 weeks pregnant

    I am 37 weeks pregnant. Full term. My husband is gone at youth camp and I literally don’t get to talk to him because he has NO cell service. The baby worried everyone yesterday at my non-stress test and I couldn’t even get ahold of him to tell him what was going on. I am miserable, crabby, exhausted, and a ton of other words that are similar. I have been nauseous, shaky, and light headed all day and still feel like throwing up. Maybe this baby will come early. Maybe. She is healthy and doing ok, so that is good. I am ready to have her here, and to no longer be pregnant. I want to stop having my ribs kicked in the most painful of ways. I want to stop having to pee a million times. I want to have my husband home and actually get to hear his voice……………… I know some people don’t like their spouses and are glad when they leave. I actually enjoy being with mine (or would if I ever got to..) and miss him terribly when he is gone. I am sick of crying and its hard having my girls ask where daddy is and saying that they want to wait for him before we do things.
    I am thankful to have family here with me helping out and keeping me company. I will also be thankful when our lives slow back down and go back to our new normal. We have been gone and busy all of this stupid month and I am so ready for June to be over. I am pooped and could really use a lot of extra prayers.