When I first started this blog, I wanted it to be upbeat and happy. I wanted to share how much Chloe was growing. It was a way to keep people updated on how things were going.. if our family was growing, etc. But, I also want this blog to be real and honest. Our life is great. I have three beautiful girls that are healthy and happy. I have the most amazing husband who works so hard to provide for our family. But, I feel like we are in a “valley” right now. We have been in a valley for a while.

Things have been a struggle for our family for over a year. Scott’s job.. the ministry here.. the work God has called us to do.. is constantly in question. Not IF he is doing the ministry, but just the fact that our church is really struggling to stay afloat right now. We just keep trying to love on people in our community and show Christ’s love. We pray a lot, too. It is not about the money, or how many activities we can have, or saving the “jobs” of Pastor and Scott. It is about souls… lost people. Our hearts are breaking for the people around us; knowing that they have no hope.

My health has been a struggle this year. I still am sitting at an “undiagnosed seizure disorder”. I had a breast cancer scare. My health is no longer an issue or a worry as long as I don’t have another seizure; and I don’t really think that I will.

I am still struggling with finding what works and doesn’t work to eat. Harper is so sensitive to a lot of foods. Spicy foods make her fussy and hurt her little tummy. Caffeine upsets her tummy. Dairy, eggs, and soy are off limits. She is healthy, and I am so grateful, but I don’t want to cause her pain and discomfort.

There are also the daily frustrations of having a new baby. Not Harper, herself. She is awesome. But, people have no boundaries or filter when a new baby is around. They will talk “to Harper” and tell her the things that I am doing “wrong”. For example, after I fed her at church, Harper was told “Oh, mama gave you more of that stuff that hurts your belly.” They do whatever they want and say whatever they want. They are constantly poking at her and messing with her. They don’t think about how much they are in MY face every day. I have had her taken out of my arms by someone who did not ask if they could hold her. Someone I knew, but it is still not ever ok to take a child out of a mother’s arms without asking. I just feel like no one respects mom’s with babies. We know nothing and everything that we do is wrong. I am just really struggling with that. I love how encouraged I feel after sermons at church, but the crowd of people who won’t let me move and try to tell me what I am doing wrong leaves me feeling completely drained, discouraged, and frustrated.

Every mom already feels inadequate at what she does. Or, maybe it’s just me. I AM ENOUGH. I need to tell myself that daily, and I need to believe it. God created me to do what I am doing. This is my purpose. This is my talent. I love my children fiercely. I am doing exactly what I feel is best for them, and I approach what I do with lots of prayer. I try to not make decisions based upon what I want, but what God wants of me. I am homeschooling Chloe because I feel like that is what God wants of me right now. It is what is best for her. I breast feed Harper in spite of the food allergies because it is still a thousand times better for her than formula (which she would also be allergic to..). Addison is learning at home also. My kids are all healthy. They are happy. They are LOVED. I am enough for them…

Even though we feel like we keep sinking into valley’s, God is still enough for us. That is the most important thing of all. He loves me even when I feel inadequate and mess up. He loves my children even when they are rotten and feisty. God is enough.

Newborn

1 month old

2 months old (not the best picture, sorry kiddo)

Harper is already 2 months old!! She is getting her own personality, and it is so fun to see. She smiles and coos at us. She has started to suck her thumb (when she can get it in her mouth) to self soothe. Her hair is getting longer, but not thicker. She goes to sleep between 9 and 10 at night, and usually wakes up only once or twice. She is not a morning person much like her Mama. She likes to wake up and eat around 6 or 7, and then goes back to sleep. She would sleep past 10 if we didn’t have to get up for the day before that. She takes several naps throughout the day. Here are some stats on her:

Weight: 11 pounds 1 oz
Height: 24 inches

We had family pictures taken today… our first pictures as a family of FIVE!! I was incredibly stressed out all morning. Three small girls are not easy to get to cooperate. They did so well though. We got some really sweet pictures of the girls individually, together, and all five of us. Nevermind that my hair was wild and crazy.. the girls smiled and were happy and cooperative. I can’t wait to get them in! I am still blown away by being a family of FIVE. 😀 It makes my heart happy!

Next Thursday marks two years since we lost our baby.. our Quinn Lael.. our “counsel” “belonging to God”. That hurt has NEVER left my heart. I know that God has a purpose for everything we go through; even if we don’t see it this side of Heaven. Or maybe not on the other side. Who knows.

The week I lost Quinn, THREE of my friends/family members lost babies.. one of those people being unsaved. I always prayed (maybe morbidly..) that if I ever faced the pain of losing a child, that I would handle it with grace. That my words and actions would NEVER turn people away from God. I pray that I did that. I pray that I still do.

My heart still aches. My heart hurts to think about it all.. the trip to the hospital; knowing that my baby’s life was gone. The trip home after having it confirmed.. all of it. It hurts.

When we found out we were pregnant with Quinn, we were scared. Three babies.. three kids under three. We talked about not having anymore. I don’t think that I would have gone through with that decision if the baby had lived. But, I don’t know.. and I am not going to play the “what if” game or it would make my mind crazy… there are just too many scenarios.. such as, Harper not being in our lives.

My life is so blessed. I do not mean this to be a huge downer of a post. But, if you think of me next week, please say a prayer for my heart. It hurts so much more on the “anniversary” of the baby’s passing.. and on the due date.

First, the results of the ultrasound of my breast were that I have dialated ducts. I am not 100% sure what it means, but it is nothing to worry about. That’s all I need to know. Thank you for the prayers!!

Second, Scott and I rented “Mom’s Night Out” from Redbox last night. I LOVED IT!! In the first five minutes, I turned to Scott and said “They made a movie about me!” He grinned.. I think afraid to agree.. and finally, timidly said “I was thinking the same thing..” It is excellent. The more the movie went on, the more I felt like it was made just for me. Then, towards the end of the movie Trace Adkins’ character was talking to the main “mom” character. I was moved to tears.. He said, “You spend so much time beating yourselves up. It must be exhausting.. I doubt the good Lord made a mistake giving your kiddos the Mama He did. So, you just be YOU. He’ll take care of the rest.”

I felt like he was speaking directly to me. I feel so inadequate. I ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy. ALWAYS!!! Now that I am a mommy, there are days where I feel like God must have been confused. I am not made for this. This is so FALSE. God does NOT make mistakes. He gave me these beautiful blessings. No matter how inadequate I AM, HE IS ENOUGH. He will take care of it all.

I am not being paid to write any of this. I honestly can’t even find the words to describe how much I love this movie. I want to buy it and watch it every day to remind myself that I am not enough on my own for my kids. I need to stop trying to do it all. I need to stop being so unhappy. I bring it upon myself. I push myself to hard and put too much pressure on myself. I am not enough, but He is. All I can do is strive to honor Him, and teach my babies about Him. The rest will take care of itself.

If you have ever breast fed a baby, you know that things can get.. lumpy.. in the mornings. I was making sure that I didn’t end up with mastitis (My goal is to nurse Harper without ever getting it.. we’ll see) when I felt a lump that didn’t feel normal. I had my 6 week checkup today and had my doctor check it out. She is almost certain that it is not cancerous, but is sending me to have an ultrasound done just to be safe. I am not sure of the date yet, as they are setting it up for me and will call to let me know when it will be.

Please pray that it ends up being nothing. I am sure it is, but there is always the possibility that it COULD be something. On the first day of May I was in my 7th month of a normal pregnancy, and the only health issues I had were exercise induced asthma and insomnia. On May 8th I ended up being in my 7th month of a high risk pregnancy, being diagnosed with a seizure disorder, and finding out that I have a heart defect. I took a painful express flight down the stairs a week later, and while getting my epidural during labor I was told I have slight scoliosis. Phew.

You know what though? GOD IS STILL GOOD! He is in control of all of this, even if it feels like things are spinning out of control when it comes to my health. I can start working out now and am looking into getting some sort of supplement to help me get the nutrition that I need. I am busy, and about to get even more busy. Fast snacks are always junk and no good for me. I am really trying to improve this, but I need an extra boost. This dairy allergy is really making things difficult for me, but I know I will get used to it. Once I get the hang of it, I may not want to go back to “normal”.

Please just keep me in your prayers as I am feeling a little nervous.

Chloe turned FOUR on Friday (the 15th). It is so hard to believe that it has been four years since we brought our baby home. We were so terrified and excited all at once. I couldn’t imagine having a child older than an infant. I was excited to find out the kind of person she would become. She wears me out A LOT. She is stubborn, feisty, strong-willed, and rotten. However, she is also so kind-hearted, intelligent, caring, and sweet.

Her current favorite things:
color- PINK! It was blue for years, and now she loves pink.
animal- she still insists that hippos are her favorite.
toys- barbies and ponies
movie- Little Mermaid and Frozen
show- she loves some weird show called Noddy in Toyland.. she also loves Handy Manny and all of the Disney Jr. shows
food- She loves greens.. the other day she was dipping baby kale leaves in a tiny bit of ranch and eating them like candy.

She loves to play dress up and pretend that she is a princess. She wears costumes to the store and to church. She loves to wear skirts and dresses daily. If not those, then she wears leggings. She loves all things that sparkle. She is super excited to start school, and says she is excited that I am going to be her teacher. (I, however, am terrified of doing well at it)

Here are a few pictures of her big girl birthday. She had a great day.

Chloe, you are such a blessing in our lives. You are a great big sister to Addison and Harper. We love you SO much.

Harper turned one month old on Monday. It is so hard to believe that this beautiful, wonderful blessing came into our lives one month ago.

This is the first picture that I ever took of Harper.

Here is Miss Harper one her 1 month “birthday”.

She is growing and changing so quickly. She likes to be carried like a football. she likes to be swaddled as long as her arms are sticking out from her burrito-wrapped blanket. She also loves to take a warm bath. There aren’t many milestones at 1 month, but she did grab ahold of her hair the other day and cried because she just kept pulling it. I giggled the whole time I was trying to pry her tiny fingers out of her hair. She sleeps pretty well, but has started to wake up around 2AM for a few hours. I am pooped. Pooped, but SO blessed.

Some days just feel really dark. They are a struggle to get through. It feels like there is no hope at all.

Today is one of those difficult days. Let me start by saying that when I have a newborn, I just want to hide away with them and not share them with anyone. I want to really relish in every moment of their infancy, because it goes by SO fast. They depend on me. They rely on me. They appreciate me. I love my church family, but bringing a new baby into a church is almost full of torture. Everyone immediately surrounds you and gets in your face. It is impossible to move. There is nowhere to hide. It is a struggle for me.

This is how I feel in life right now. I am stuck; unable to move. There are days where tears just stream down my face for seemingly no reason at all. I feel like no one cares. There have been many days where my own husband has looked at me when there are hot tears running down my face. He doesn’t even notice. This leaves me feeling even more uncared for.

Since the day he went back to work (Harper was 1 week old) I went back to my usual duties. I have kept up with keeping the house clean (vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, dishes, etc.) The only thing I fall behind on is laundry. Our laundry area is in the basement, and our main living area is upstairs. I don’t trust leaving the big girls alone with Harper to throw loads in, so that usually gets caught up on during the weekends with the help of Scott. I just feel like no one truly appreciates any of it. I work hard to prepare meals with foods that Chloe and Addison love, and they refuse to eat and complain that they don’t like it.

Today, I got Harper and myself all dressed and to the church. She started to fuss just as the message started, but I thought she would fall asleep. I left ALL of our stuff and I stepped into the hall with her so that she did not disturb anyone and “rocked” her in my arms. She started acting hungry. Since I left my nursing cover, I went into my husband’s office to feed her where no one could see. Once she finished eating, she projectile vomited all over herself, me, and Scott’s floor. I cleaned it up with toilet paper (that’s all there was around..) and asked Addison’s teacher to pass the message on to Scott that I was going home. I was totally soaked and did not have my phone or a change of clothes for Harper.

During the big girls’ supposed nap time, Addison would not go to sleep. I went in to check on her and she had painted the walls with her POOP. EVERYWHERE!!! I made her start cleaning up the walls while I got some more supplies. Scott came upstairs and started helping. 30 or so minutes later, the poop was finally scrubbed off of the walls and cleaned up of the floor. Her walls are stained because this is not the first (or second, or third, or fourth…) time that she has done this… Chloe screamed and threw a fit the whole time she was in her room because I would not let her play with my iPad or paint in her room.

I didn’t get much sleep last night, and that is probably adding to this darkness that I feel surrounding me. I love my life. I love my three girls. I love my husband. I just feel like none of it is returned. I don’t know why. Not every day is this way. In fact, most days I feel vibrant and as full of life as a mom with a newborn and two toddlers can feel. Some days just get dark and begin to feel hopeless.. and I just wish that someone would notice that I feel like I am drowning… especially the one who is supposed to really SEE me.

I know that none of this is true. There is always hope in Jesus. This darkness will not win. I refuse to be overtaken by it. One these dark days, I fight my way back to the light. I don’t let it get the best of me. My girls are such beautiful, vivacious, and bubbly beings. They are my world. My husband is hard-working man who loves Jesus and wants to share the gospel with the world. My God is a God who saves me and shows me grace even though I am so unworthy.

It’s ok to have dark days. It is not easy to have them, but it is ok. I feel like everyone thinks there is shame in struggle. I find my strength when I struggle. Never let the dark days win. If you are struggling, it means you have something to fight for. Keep fighting. Keep seeing all of the blessings around you.

I took some pictures of Harper the other day. We didn’t get any pictures done in the hospital, so I am really sad. I am not a photographer by any means, but I just snap away.

Addison wanted to lay with Harper and get her picture taken.

This is as close as Chloe would get.

Last night we were blessed with this amazing sunset!! I love the view that we get of the sunset here. It is always amazing and beautiful in the Fall. This is just another sign that it is so close!! I cannot wait for pumpkin everything!!!

I bought matching Halloween shirts for all three girls. I am so excited for it all!

If my blog posts don’t make a lot of sense right now; well, I am not surprised! I sit down to write and get distracted by a hungry baby or a screaming Chloe. I only “play” on the computer during nap time, so that is when I try to write. My kids come first. Always. Writing on this blog is just fun for me, so I try to do it when I am not “on” mom duty so much. But, sometimes I leave the computer for too long to even remember what I was saying and I can’t make sense of what I was trying to say.. so I just keep on a goin’. HA!

I love these three little girls so much. Harper is still sleeping pretty well. She goes to sleep around 11 PM, and had been sleeping until 10 AM (Yes, she wakes up to eat). Now, she has decided that 5 AM is an awesome time to start partying. My “new mom adrenaline” is wearing off and I am feeling the exhaustion of waking every few hours. It’s not like you just wake up for 5 minutes every three hours. It is 30 or so minutes of being awake to feed her, then she is up 2 1/2 hours after that. I am thankful because coffee doesn’t seem to affect her like it did Addison. I can drink a couple of cups and she is just fine. HALLELUJAH! I missed my coffee.

source

My oldest baby turns FOUR next week!!!! She wants this crazy difficult mermaid cake. I found dairy free cake and fondant recipes. We will see how this goes. haha! I love making the cakes for my girls. She is obsessed with mermaids, so we got her a mermaid doll. She also is outgrowing her shoes, so she is getting this awesome pair of rainbow colored sketchers that I got on clearance and some tinker bell flip flops. She starts our homeschool preschool next month. I am so not ready for it, but ready or not here it comes.

Addison is still silly and wild. She is obsessed with “baby Harper”. Every morning when Harper and I walk upstairs she squeals about her baby sister. She is so bright and bubbly. I am so blessed to be her mama. I am blessed to have all of them as daughters. I love my crazy life.

I saw my neurologist on Monday, and he said that he would feel more comfortable if I stayed on the Keppra. He told me that it was up to me, but I appreciate that he told me what he would recommend. He said that there is an increased risk of me having another seizure since I have already had one. He doesn’t want me to have a seizure while holding Harper and possibly harming her.. or one of the other girls. I agree with that.. I don’t want to be on it for the rest of my life though.. I also don’t want to have another seizure. Not that I remember the first one, but I want to stinking drive. I don’t want to wake up on the floor and leave my kids without any adult.. because who knows how long I would be unconscious. The first time it was around 5 minutes. There’s a lot to think about..

On the plus side, my girls aren’t scarred for life. They like to pretend that their toys are “passed out”, or that they are “passed out”. They aren’t afraid of it, it is just a game to them. :/ I feel bad that they won’t forget what happened, but I am glad that they aren’t afraid.

There is still a lot of stress on our family right now, but we feel so overwhelmingly blessed. 😀 Our life is so incredible, exhausting, thrilling, busy, and WONDERFUL.